@the_itsb
@hexbear.netcovid brain fog plus cold medicine has me feeling like my head is made of jello and my eyes are saucers
I can barely read and I think I just bumped some old posts in /c/mutual_aid 🤦 what am I doing here
how're you all doing today?
what're you choking down when you have to eat something to keep the pills down, and you have to take the pills
I tried taking doxycycline on an empty stomach yesterday and boy howdy, was that a bad decision – great ab workout though 😂🤢
last night, my new morning plan had been to have my Adderall when I wake up, some yogurt 2 hours later, then 2 hours later have toast and hummus or something with the doxycycline
great plan, except I don't usually eat this early, and I couldn't even get through half a cup of yogurt, which has been a lifelong safe food that I really really reeeeeally don't want to be put off
maybe skip the yogurt step and just shove a piece of bread down my throat? I already have a weird relationship with bread, I'm fine with being put off it for a while after this
on a totally unrelated note, you should definitely always wear bug repellent and check yourself for ticks when you come inside for the day
https://youtu.be/PvDP6rozVtk
Aproveite vídeos e músicas que você ama, envie e compartilhe conteúdo original com amigos, parentes e o mundo no YouTube.
what mask are you wearing all day?
bonus points if you'd like to disclose who you are underneath it, so we can admire and adore the real you ❤️
and if you don't know who you are under your mask, we will support and encourage your discovery process, should you choose to undertake it ❤️
cw: self-harm
::: spoiler American medical system bitching and self-harm $50/month medication takes the "overwhelming urge to unalive" days per month from 15/30 to 5/30
unfortunately, finding a way to deal with those last crucial 5 days is proving difficult
feel free to make suggestions if you have them, unless they're diet and exercise and mindfulness, which I assure you are primary occupations and were locked in before I started spending +$50/mo on medication :::
just feeling so utterly hollowed out and trying to type instead of plot
if I can make it a month and come up with $200 3x over that month, I might come away with an autism assessment and specific recommendations for local-ish therapists and local-ish resources that could help
hopefully maybe – I live in a rural area where resources are thin
regardless, that's not going to fix the 5 terrible days, and I would need more money for a therapist on top of the $50/mo I'm barely doing now, or the $600 between me and getting the therapist recommendations
how do I fix the 5 terrible days? if it even possible? I've tried to accept that maybe they won't ever go away, but it is a bit of a hard row to hoe
and then how does one accumulate more income to afford extra shit while in this kinda state? 😂😭 we don't, do we
never getting a pap or mammogram
just circling the drain
relatively privileged sadposting, hidden for easier skipping and prevention of nonconsensual dumping
::: spoiler sadposting Let's start by saying she died a little over 20 years ago, so it's not an open wound, but it rekt my extended family, so definitely a vicious scar.
I had two much older sisters who were close in age and a "little" brother who is a smidgen younger than me but has been bigger than me since kindergarten.
When I was around 10, one of my sisters and her husband picked out a little piece of land, bought a log cabin kit, and built their home themselves. I remember playing with Tonka trucks with my brother and nephew in the area where the basement was poured and walking through the interior walls when they were just studs. Because my sister was obsessed with holidays and having everyone together and making everything Martha Stewart perfect, every family gathering happened in that house – from the time it was finished enough to host everyone, until her wake.
I lived out of state when she died suddenly, so I dropped everything, moved back, and lived with her husband and kids for a few weeks to help. I had cats and their dogs wanted to eat them, so I got an apartment a couple towns over, and my mom took over helping my sister's widower with the kids.
I have barely been back to my sister's cabin in the 20+ years since. It had been the site of all family holiday celebrations, but after my sister died, my mom hosted those at her house instead. I got into a huge verbal altercation* (that almost became physical) with my remaining sister at Christmas a couple years later, so I stopped going to family gatherings.
I have barely seen my brother-in-law or nephews since then. He stopped inviting me to their birthday parties etc, presumably because it was more important for my sister to be there. (She and the dead one were closest in age, had kids of similar age, and they had had a very close relationship.) If he's even met my son, it's only been in passing at my mom's.
My mom almost died just before the holidays a couple years ago, and my estranged sister showed up at the hospital while I was there, so we just put things aside because it's rude to fight in the ICU. I've had to just expect that there's a good chance that she will be there any time I go see my family. Nothing is resolved and it probably never will be.*
My little brother texted me a week ago Saturday, and it was pretty out of the blue and shocking:
[Brother-in-law] is building a new house on his property for himself. The other house is big and expensive for him to maintain and is worth allot so he sold it. He's staying on the property, just moving to a different side of it. He asked that any of us that wanted to go through the stuff there that was [Dead Sister]'s, like nic nacs and stuff. He said there's like a months time before he's gotta start trashing anything left. He said there's some furniture too
It never occurred to me that he might sell that house. I fully expected he would build another, smaller one someday or maybe even move away from that neighborhood, but that one of my nephews would live in the big one. He has (had?) a lot of money and it had been so long, I just (stupidly!) thought it was settled. But maybe he's sick, maybe my nephews don't want to live there, maybe he just can't look at her cabin anymore now that he can live somewhere else.
And the reality of the situation didn't sink in for me until yesterday afternoon. It was conceivable that he might someday sell the house and land together and another family would live there; it is so hard to grasp that the cabin itself is leaving. I think I'm realizing that in my heart, I have never thought of her grave as her real resting site. That cabin is the tomb of my sister's spirit, and I'm devastated to know that someone will come and take it apart and take it away.
I don't want to go pick out pieces to bring home – I want the whole thing to stay there, intact forever. If her cabin stays there, intact forever, then part of her never died and never will.
I know that's ridiculous and unreasonable. I know this is an incredibly privileged thing to be sad about – oh waa waaa waaaaaa, it's been 20 years and you have to take your husband's truck to your dead sister's house to go accumulate more prized possessions, and you even have the foreknowledge and time and resources to do it and somewhere to put the stuff? please, cry more – but it kinda feels like finding out she's dead all over again, and yes, I will go cry more.
(* - I'll explain if you're curious, but this was too long already.) :::
Edit: is was simultaneously less and more unhinged than I expected
I will be back to discuss tomorrow, I'm still desperately trying to ignore my feelings for the rest of this evening
Edit again 4 days later: idk when I'm gonna be able to come back to this.
we've all got them, right? this isn't just a me thing, right???
you meet nice people, you get to know them, and you realize that they really like you but actually you don't like them
what's it like for you? how do you deal?
my strategy is to just be kind and supportive but largely unavailable, but as a late-diagnosed autistic person, idk if I'm doing it right
do I need to formally break up with these people as friends or is distance enough?
maybe this belongs in /c/neurodivergent or /c/askchapo 🤔