!relationship_advice
@lemmy.worldThis is gonna be a bit long. I'm 25, I'm a trans girl, my boyfriend is 25, he is a gay cis man.
We have been together for 2 years and 3 months. At first our relationship was amazing, nothing to complain, so very loving and sexy and cute. The issue at the moment was his mom, a narcissistic mentally and verbally abuses woman who seems to have hates him since birth. After one year he moved out to a house that belonged to his uncle and another uncle was living there.
Moving was cool, finally we were away from that woman, but his uncle was an alcoholic who drank daily and would get violent and loud when drinking. After a few months, we started avoiding that man while being in the house.
In September of last year his mom died. That woman had serious health issues and was the typo of person that always had a cigar in her mouth, she refused to go to the hospital for an infection and died during an operation.
We waited until another uncle of his came to our city in December, and he moved back to his mom's house. We thought things would be perfect for now, but now I had issues with him.
Since we were still at the other house where his drunk uncle lived, he started to give me "affection" in hurtful ways, started with tickles, that at first were ok, but later the tickles became a form of punishment, and he has thick fingers and tried to "tickle" me so hard that it really hurts. One day I went to a concert, a local band's tribute to me favorite band. I told him I would go and asked if he would go, but he said didn't want to go, so I went alone. The concert was so amazing, but when I came to his place the next day, he was so mad, that pinned me to the bed, he immobilized me with his weight, and started "tickling" me so hard, that I was kicking and crying. Then he started doing something similar for things like promising I would be with him at 3 PM but arrived at 6 PM, or not having money for buying dinner for both of us.
Then the biting started, it also started as something cute, but then he started biting me harder and harder, and then started to do it as another way of punishment.
And he is so possessive, and very jealous. On top of everything, he didn't want to have sex with me in so many months I lost track of when was the last time we did something.
This week I traveled from my city to the capital city of my country, some people doesn't like the city, but I do, and ended up staying a few days more than planned, and his uncle was so kind to let me stay in his apartment and help me move around, and in the end he went back to my city with him in his car.
My stay in the capital was amazing, except for how my BF reacted. He got so emotional, so mad, and we almost had a break-up but I had to salvage it because breaking up over text is ugly. I asked him to go to my psychologist together and he refused in a very angry way.
I came back yesterday and went to his house to talk to him. I told him I was seriously thinking about breaking up and listed the reasons why. He started crying, got very emotional, and finally agreed to go to psychology.
But he also said that I'm the only person he was, that he is codependent on me, and without me he would die, literally.
We talked for hours, and got over a few things, but now I kinda feel trap because I still love him and don't want him to be depressed and die, but I'm not sure I can stay here, I feel like I need a way out. I can't exist to constantly comfort him when I feel like everything is different now and we have different life goals.
I need some advice please.
We've been in counseling for about a year, and both of us have been getting better in our respective ways. Issue I'm having now is I'm emotionally tapped out and don't have the same interest or desire for them as I did. I love them very much, but I'm becoming quite indifferent and have been enjoying my time away from them more than with them. Our first years were awesome, but the last two have just been stressful and tiring; it's been hard to just move past that.
Any advice from those who have been through rough patches and it turned out better?
Been with this guy for 3 years now, I have been making plans in my head for when we are able to move in together, while unfortunately we were in a long distance relationship we still had a lot in common and were able to enjoy our time online together playing videogames and watching movies with the occasional visit once every 4 months or so for a week.
Such a pretty relationship, I feel, like I'm enjoying his company throughout my days of studying and university. But anyways, he feels like he doesn't want to try to make our relationship workout anymore, so basically breaking up with me. I told him before I let him finish, that I'm gonna be a bit stubborn and still go ahead with my visit in 10 days to go talk to him in person to actually do this. He sighed, and said that he owes me that atleast. This is the 3rd time he's trying to break up with me, and last time he promised that he'd wait for me and that he won't break up with me again and that I'd be the one to do so. Just my trust in him is shattered after this.
I am just not sure which way to take this, try to continue with the visit and maybe still stay together or just decide not to go and cut him off from being friends. I'm not sure, part of me wants to still go and do agree we need to break up and just leave the relationship without a sour taste in the mouth, and maybe in the future be friends again.
Edit: Feeling better bout the break up now, I do know I'm not getting back together with them and probably not gonna talk to them for a very long time. I've reached out and made a new friend and I'll keep on trying to find new ones to help with the being lonely part. Looking forwards to it
My uncle lives about 3 blocks away from where I live, so very close. We never really see each other.
My mom and him are always argueing and to be fair my mother is right. He is an *sshole but he personally never done anything to me.
My brother on the other side has more contact to him and said that he belongs to family and should come or else I will start a "fight".
I don't know I don't really care about him because I don't interact with him so the only reason why I wouldn't invite him is because of how he is treating my mom. My mom avoids contact as much as possible and they are two different people. I couldn't care less if he was at my wedding or not so if it wouldn't be for my mother I would invite him to avoid drama but duo to how the situation is I am honestly thinking about not inviting him so my mom can enjoy the day too and doesn't have to "hide".
She ran out off my nephews second birthday last year once my uncle came in because he is so toxic she can't even stay in a room with him.
My brother said it isn't my problem but tbh it I think it is my problem. I love my mom and want her to enjoy my wedding without her being forced to have contact with someone she HATES.
I think I answered my own question by now but am I the as*shole and what consequences does this have? I am planning on visiting my uncle and telling him he isn't invited because of how the situation is between my mom and him and that my and my wifes wedding isn't the day for family drama and I don't want to risk it - even if they promise to behave. I just don't want it on that day.
With that being said I also can't invite my grandpa to which I do not have contact with since years because of how toxic he was to my mother. He wasn't as toxic as my uncle to my mother was so my mom said it would be okay to invite him BUT he requires 1:1 assistance meaning my oncle would have to drive him and take care of him - he would also be there because of my grandpa. So I just don't invite both.
Edit: accidently posted it in relationship advice my bad :-(
Hey all, not often I do this, but figured it might be a good idea to make myself vulnerable with something I dislike about myself to maybe get some helpful input as to how to approach this weird dilemma I'm having.
So I [M24], have been struggling with my weight for a few years now. Mainly it's been an issue that's been tied to my mental health, and for the last year I've been doing intensive work on improving my mental health, which includes dealing with the root cause of my weight issues.
For a long time I've been in the mindset of wanting to wait until after I shed the pounds before getting into the dating scene. Reason being is that I personally prefer a certain body type, and it just feels hypocritical and gross to have that expectation going into a relationship when I'm not meeting the expectations for the body type I want for myself.
On the other hand, I had a coworker [F22] at my old job admit that she at one point had feelings for me, so since then it has me thinking if I'm stressing too much about my weight as important as I feel it is for me to address it.
I've also had friends tell me that I need to have more self-confidence in regards to my body, but I'm split on trusting their words because I'm fully aware I'm not at a healthy weight currently and don't want to deny that.
I'm having trouble determining what to do from here, because I really want to go out and meet new people and perhaps mingle since I've been craving a romantic relationship for ages now and know that things are likely going to take more time for me than most others because of my sexual identity.
However on the other hand, I still worry about the aforementioned possibility of coming off as hypocritical, having my weight be a deciding factor at first glance for people when this isn't who I want to be, and having my weight literally get in the way of other things (I worry about it maybe making hugs and/or cuddles awkward for a potential partner.
What would be the best plan of action for me to take?
I'm (m29) reeling from a string of breakups that has left me feeling hollow inside. Whenever I have any moment of spark, it's immediately put out by "I'm just going to break their heart or they will break mine". The last 3 years I had 5 relationships that lasted at least 3 months, and the last one (oddly enough just 6 weeks) was the one where I felt I finally cracked the code.
I'm a horrible people pleaser (who doesn't please people), so being honest in communication was a struggle. I'd be in relationships that I knew were sour in the first week, but I could never find the words or work up the courage to say anything until it erupted into a mess. The last one I had, she told me I deserve to be heard and that I don't have to be left guessing on the state of the relationship. I cried when she said that. I finally felt like the last Russian doll was opened and I wasn't hiding anything. Then it fell apart. I still don't know why, or maybe I do, but I held on to some hope that we could reconnect this year until last night when I texted her to see where she was at and she told me she wasn't interested in being friends.
I'm glad she gave me that answer to hopefully help me move on, but I just can't seem to. That relationship ended in November, and it's the end of February, but I just still numb to the prospect of seeing someone else. It's not the good kind of numb either, it's a broken heart numbness. I want to stop thinking about her.
I almost had a one night stand with a friend, but then panicked as a flashback of a S.A. episode hit me out of nowhere, but my friend took that as me not caring about her and now she won't talk to me.
My other friend who I have a business connection with came over last night to hang out, but it was clear she also wanted to be intimate. I didn't want to be cold, but I don't want to hurt her either by starting something that will end in pain. I mixed business and pleasure once before and I will never do that again, and I'm not interested in being intimate with this one either.
I downloaded the apps to try and maybe get the ball moving, but each person I just think about what their face would be if (and I can't help but thing "when") we broke up.
It's been 10 years of heartbreak it feels like. I don't know if I can love. I don't know if I ever really did, I just know that I've felt heartbroken most of the time one way or another.
Anyway if anyone has tips on how to feel again, I'd appreciate that.
Also I covered OK GO's "Needing/ Getting" on my shitty phone recorder as my lil' way of grieving. Music is a life saver.
Whenever I see someone I'm interested in I always make sure I go and talk to them. That's as far as I've ever gotten.
The way I see this working is as follows:
The problem is that whenever I've done this, they were either cool but didn't show much of an interest in me, or their personality didn't resonate too deeply with mine which was a shame because I still thought they were gorgeous.
Now I'm not looking for somebody to spend the rest of my life with. Because that will take a lot of meeting people. But I am in the mood to experiment with intimate relationships, and now. Part of me wonders whether it's even worth it if they don't share my sense of humour. But another part of me thinks the steps above might be constraining me to only one type of relationship, those of the lifelong sort, which is why it's taking so long.
As you can see at step 4 there is clearly a gap between talking with them and holding hands that I don't know how to cross, which I'd currently do by explicitly asking can we hold hands. I wonder if the thing I'm missing is also the thing that would progress things to the physical without the person being your soulmate. When you go to parties you see drunk people breaking the touch barrier together without talking. What's the cue for that to happen? Should touch ever be the thing that advances a relationship with someone? How does that work? How do you make sure it's mutual? Or is the way to go really to wait until I meet someone I get along with so well that something clicks?
Help! My live-in partner of 3 years has too many clothes and it's overrunning our house. We live in a two bedroom condo with only two closets in the entire unit, and there's just not enough space.
At last count (2 years ago) there was over 300 articles of clothing - shirts, pants, jackets. There is constantly piles of clothes everywhere, clean and dirty, and nowhere to put them. They wear multiple outfits each day and throw them on the floor in the evening.
2 years ago I bought a few Ikea clothing containers to slide under the bed, and those are packed full of folded shirts that are never worn. And they just keep buying more.
I've spoken with them about this multiple times and they say that they'll get rid of some of the clothes, but never did.
On the flip side, I have four pairs of pants, a few shorts, around a dozen shirts and a suit.
What can I do?
First of all, I am an expat who has been living abroad for 9 years now.
Two years ago I meet a wonderful woman who is also form my home country, she has been living here a lot less time than I have (about a year by the time we meet).
About two month into our relationship she gave me an ultimatum, it was with kids or nothing.
I asked her for a few weeks to think about it and after deciding that she was the one, I decided to continue our relationship and started planning on common goals. Months went by and it was truly an amazing time, we really love each other.
Part of our life plans involved us moving in together in 2024. Before that happened, she decided to travel back to our home country to spend christmas and new year's with her family and get some paperwork done.
While she was there, she called me one day and told me that she wanted us to move back to our home country and continue our live together there, however I do not want that, at all.
Not only it would be very expensive for me to move back, but it would be very difficult for me to find a job in my field. Here I have a high paying job, plus I own a house ideal to raise kids.
Education and quality of life is one of the best in Europe. And I really really do not want to go back to a shithole country.
She insists on her plan and gave me yet another ultimatum, I kinda already made up my mind, but I really do not know how to even start the conversation.
How can I approach this?
First of all, I realize this is probably more of a shortcoming on my part, but nevertheless, I am who I am.
My wife has gotten really into "romance reality" TV in the past year. In recent months, it has reached a fever pitch where she is just walking around with a show playing out loud on her phone almost all the time. Doing chores? Watching love is blind. In between a match while we're gaming together? Blasting love island. I generally keep earbuds in so I don't have to listen to it, and because Im sure she doesn't want to hear my shows just like I don't want to hear hers.
I make an honest effort to avoid the inane types of people who go on these shows in the real world, so to come home to what used to be a sanctuary and have to jam earbuds in and move all the way across the house to not be subjected to the dumbassery those people exude is exausting and has me at the absolute end of my rope. Its gotten to a point where I might actually go run errands at random times just to get some peace. I know she sees it as an "unwind" which I don't understand but I can at least accept. I've made my position on these types of shows unabashedly clear on many occasions, perhaps being harder on them than I should be.
If she had kept watching her usual dramas it wouldn't even be an issue for me, it's just the endless barrage of utter idiocy and manufactured drama out of these people's mouths that I can't stand.
How can I go about bringing up that this is a problem for me without sounding like a "stop having fun" type or seeming condescending about her TV choices?