!relationship_advice
@lemmy.worldI'm really stuck. I've been unhappy for years and we've done couple's therapy and tried to reconnect, but it's just not enough.
I have a bad habit of feeling guilty and responsible for everything and I just can't see a future where I hurt my partner so badly. I don't know how to sever myself from the relationship and alllllll of the stuff and responsibilities. My partner slacked off when it came to college internships so they've been unemployed for years, and now finally found a fast food job. But that means that if I leave, they're done for. They can't pay the mortgage alone, nevertheless the bills or food. They also mentioned in our therapy that their greatest fear is divorce and I don't know if that's because they're still so attached to me or if it's the fear of having to make it on their own.
How do I uproot their entire life over my unhappiness? That just doesn't seem like something I could possibly do... but I can't stay here, I'm withering away.
Help?
Hi!
I'm dating an amazing guy. He's very sweet and caring. He's kind of a quiet guy.
We started dating after a friend of his brought me a note he wanted to give me (but then threw away because he was indecisive) that said how much he loved me.
I took it and invited him over to my place. At first he was afraid to touch me and I took the initiative. Lately, he has become more active in this respect and is no longer afraid to just come up and hug me.
Everything would be very good, but I can't understand one thing. Why does he always shake when we hug? I've asked him about it, but he keeps silent or blushes or says "I'm sorry". I'm very worried about him and his health. Take him to doctor?
We've been together for 3 months. 2nd year of university. Same age.
Edit: Last night she attempted suicide. I was in the living room while she was showering. She got out of the shower, went to the bedroom, and about 10 minutes later I heard her call my name. She was holding a large handful of her medicine in one hand, and the bottle in the other. She told me she almost took it, but decided to get help instead. Suffice to say, both of us are dealing with a lot right now. She asked me not to tell anyone, but I am trying to persuade her to get mental healthcare.
So yesterday morning, while my girlfriend and I were sleeping in our new apartment, we heard some rustling at the door. This was around 8 AM or so. I heard him call out "maintenance" very faintly from the other side of the door.
I was partially awake and called out to the guy after glancing my gf's way in a "is this guy for real?" look.
Guy apologized and left the apartment after he heard me. At the time, she said she was "glad I was there".
I spoke to him later and he apologized profusely and said he wasn't aware someone had moved in already. I figured that would be the end of it. No harm, no foul.
Last night, my girlfriend informed me that I didn't handle that correctly. She said her dad would've been up and ready to fight the guy, and that by glancing her way I must've been asking her to protect me.
Despite us discussing a proposal now that we're 2 years in, she let me know she doesn't think I should "this year, but that she may change her mind".
I'm honestly baffled. Was I supposed to shoot the maintenance man or something?
It has me reconsidering the relationship. One perceived mistake--that I honestly think I handled fine--and she's putting our plans on ice.
She's been mean leading up to this. She blames her cycle (and apologizes each time), but it's a pretty extreme mood shift for a few days each month. So part of me wonders if these 2 things are related, and she'll regret saying that to me. Another part wonders if I should forgive her in the first place.
What do y'all think? How big of a mess am I in?
A month ago I found out that my (30's ftm) live-in boyfriend of 3 years (30's m) was sexting with various guys and making plans to meet up. We fought, made up, and got into therapy. Things are slowly healing.
Today I found out that an old friend of his that he used to sext with before our relationship still sends him nudes regularly on snapchat. I found out because my bf had saved a bunch of them. My bf says that he never responds to them and so he didn't think it was an issue. I disagree - If anyone I knew irl ever sent me nudes I would immediately delete it, ask them not to send more, and tell my bf about it.
My question is, was his lack of action yet another instance of cheating?
I posted this on reddit when it happened last year plus the update. Now I want some more advice. (I know I'm the asshole here)
I don't particularly understand her sport or like it but spent the whole day there supporting and caring for her. I was there all day, sneaked into her room at night and gave her the physical things she enjoyed most, oral, massages and shower her. This was the case for 6 of the 7 days, on the 5th day I couldnt sneak in since her team had a meeting and I couldnt get in after that.
Now that same day I had been talking to another girl who had already lost who flirted with me there while I awkwardly conversed with her. I complimented her swing and she told me its her hamstring strength and guided my hand to feel her leg. Now that night when I couldnt sneak in my gf told me get a room and that she'd pay for it. I went out since I had'nt had the chance to explore the city for 4 days when I spotted the same girl at a touristy spot near the hotel, I went to say hi and she invited me to a party her team was holding at her hotel.
I went with her that night thinking I'll just get a room there after the party (turns out it was an air bnb), as the night progressed we were flirting and ended with her laying on me on a beach chair topless. She then went to her room and told me to come with, I told her I'll be there and then just left the place and went to the same hotel my gf was staying and got a room for the night.
I didn't see the girl after that and my gf had a great tourny, we returned and the last 3 weeks have been so good with her. I've never thought my gf was into me before this, it's like a switch turned and now we're really having fun together. She's going out of her way to do smth nice for me.
I spend all day feeling like shit over what happened on the trip, I told myself I didnt do anything so it's ok but I know I'd count this as cheating. Idk if I should tell my gf when everything is so good rn and she seems so happy.
I know Im the asshole, this is the worst thing I've done in my life and i deeply regret. I dont know whether to break up with her and save her the pain or tell her.
What should I do
tell her or
break up giving lack of connection and sharing very little in common as the reason?
2. So after the absolute fuckup of a situation we were in, I made it worse by ghosting my gf (f23) for a few days until she just showed up at my place VERY pissed. At this point she didn't know what had happened but she was mad at the ghosting and cry/ yelled at me for 5 minutes which I just took bc what fucking right do I have to object at this point. I then told her all that happened and I have not seen anyone look at me the way she did as I spoke, I couldn't look at her face while I spoke. She continued crying and just sort of scurried out of my place. I didn't have the balls to go stop her or anything.
I woke up next morning to 3 missed calls from her at 4 in the morning. So I went to her place before work but she wouldn't open the door and I just swallowed all self respect and begged her while literally standing outside. Rather humiliating situation but can't imagine what she's going through. We've since texted and called where all I do is beg. She then told me to come over, I did go with flowers, but she again didnt open her door and I talked to her through the door.
The same night she called me at 3 and I picked up and she was just crying and said some rather personal stuff that made me really sad (mostly just hating herself). I went to her place AGAIN at like 3.30 and this time she let me in, we hugged and cuddled for like an hour but she was absolutely mute and still as a dead fish. I naturally fell asleep and was woken up by her asking for sex (had her hand in my pants already). I turned her down which only led to more crying, she pretty much kicked me out but I was too tired to drive and slept in my car, she came woke me later and took me inside, again without saying a word.
Last night she called me again and said I love you (first time). Also kept asking who I was sleeping with, I literally went to her place again to prove I wasn't since a video call wasn't enough, slept at her place again.
We haven't talked about whether or not we're over or not but I think with the I love you, the cuddling and sleeping together we have a good chance.
Our relationship was SO good before I ghosted her.
Idk if this is a happy ending or not. I wanna know how I can help her trust me again, feel secure in our relationship, stop hating herself over my actions and fix this allround mess.
And now:
Over the last year we've stayed together mostly due to the fact that I have done a lot of work for our relationship, I've tried to be as good a boyfriend as I could. I've met her parents and they like me, one of her brothers does too. A couple of her friends hate me tho and they're the ones who know the story.
Now she's been quite short tempered, accusatory and emotional at most times. It's not like that's all we have, we mostly have fun together but it can get ugly sometimes and there's quite a few triggers. I'd say maybe 5-7 times a month. I'm still begging, still apologizing but it feels tiring now. I do it bc I feel like I have to. Recently I've considered breaking up over it but how can I. I don't feel like I have any right to.
She came back from another tournament 2 days ago having won and is over the moon, but she was still very suspicious of me while she was there and the night of her return after we celebrated she accused me of cheating again. It's getting tiring. I know it's more difficult for her obviously but I feel like she's just rubbing that in my face and making me feel bad about it all the time, which I should and do, but why do it anytime we're happy.
So my question is: Should I actually break up now despite all the effort we put in? After all we've been through together.
i (m28)'ve known this girl(f23) only for weeks, we've matched on tinder, and decided to meet, some of back story, i am a man that rarely open up my heart to other girl, but when i open it, i opened it as wide as i can, i only have 2 past relationships before this..
the first meet (30 December 2023) we,'ve talk alot about our backgrounds, we are having fun, at least ive seen it from her gesture that she's having fun and we laughed a lot, we've talked about our past relationship, and how our past relationship ended, she told me once that her past relationship ended on September 2023 after 9 years because on the last moment the relationship becomes so toxic that she can't hadle it anymore, and we've talked about our love languange and what treatment that we love to receive. the first met was great, she even invited me too her event to celebrate on new years eve with her friend at some club,
the 2nd meet(1st January 2024) before i tell you our 2nd meet, ill give you some story before it. ok you guys already know that she invited me to her event, but unfortunately i cant join her because i already have plans with my friend that i already arrange far before matched with her on tinder. so i texted her that i cant attend her invitation, she's lil bit sad and said she's okay with that, ok so we celebrate our new years eve seperately with our own plan, we've texted each other a little bit, she even text me some wishes and new years eve message on 12am and she said what she really wish we could be together to celebrate new years eve,
skip to around 5am, she texted me that she want to meet me, she's begging me to hug her, and she told me that this is not some drunk text, so we chose one place to meet, and we meet, she said she'll be waiting me inside her car,, after i arrived she invited me to get in to her car, so. i got in. after i got into her car, we talked a little bit about how are our new years party going and having a little jokes and laughs, after that we just sit there in silence while she just hug me and lean on my shoulder, this goin around 20-30 minutes. after that we went our seperate ways to go home to sleep,
skip to around 1pm she texted me that she will go to meet her friend and she invited me again, she want to introduce me to her friend, because i already have a feeling for her i instantly accepted her invite, and we meet at some cafe at around 3pm, so she introduced me to her friends and her friends is very welcome, we talked a lot, jokes around having a lot of laugh, we driving around jump one cafe to another cafe, walking around at some side of city, and here's the thing she's already know my love language and how i love to be treated, my love language is physical touch and i love when somebody give attention to little things i care, and she show it and gave it all on our second meet, and vice versa, she said she loves it when i gave her word of affirmation and some quality time. so i gave her that, and because of that i really falling for her, it felt like everythings great, and we fell for each other,
but it all goes downhill from here. after our last met, she's been avoiding me, she took a long time to reply my messages, she didn't want to meet me, she said she's only tired and need some rest, so i gave her a time and space.. but she keeps acting like that until 4 january 2024, i confused, i missed her, i even told her that i miss seeing her, she just reply with some laugh emojis and ask why i miss her, so i called my friend to get some help, my chest is hurt so bad, my legs felt weak, i'm hungry but i can't eat, i'm tired but can't sleep, i'm stressed but playing some games didn't gave me any fun, i need to work but i can't focus, all i want to do just lay on my bed, stare blankly, sad, cry, thinking about her, so i decided to call one of my friend to get some help, and tell all my feelings. my friend encouraged me to looking for an answer, he told me to ask her why she's been avoiding me, and act this way,
so i gather all my courage, and texted her, telling her my felling for her, and asking why she act this way, and why shes avoiding me, maybe im wrong to put some pressure to her, im little bit pushy about this because i need an answer immediately because i cant live like these anymore.
at first she reply my messages , telling me that she thank me for the feeling that im telling her, and she said she was wrong, she said she felt like she didnt ready yet for new relationship, and i asked her, should i stay and wait for her to be ready, or should i go, and despite all the hopes i put on her, she didn't text me back,
so for the last part,
tomorrow morning i start my day exactly the same as yesterday, not in the mood of doin anything.
till at 2pm, i already back home, just sitting on the couch hoping that she will texted me, and then she suddenly texted me, asking me why am i act like these, and i reply that i don't know, im just crazy for her, and this never happened to me before, and she immediately reply that she wants me to go and despite all the hopes i put on her, and she said good bye and she just deleted my number, i know it because we usually texted each other on WhatsApp, suddenly i felt that my heart is shattered to pieces, the pain I felt is becoming more massive , i ran to the bathroom, to cry because i dont want my brother to see me cry, i spend about 30-45 minutes in the bathroom to cry, and talking to myself, and until the time i write this story i kept thinking about her, everything that i see just kept makes me remember her, i spend my day thinking about her and really want her to come back, please help idk what to do anymore, am i going crazy? and what is this all about, and why am i like these?
edit : Pardon my english,
I’m not the best at explaining things but I’ll try here for anybody that is willing to read.
For the last year or so my coworker and I have been sort of been circling each other, doing a lot of activities together and keeping in fairly regular contact via text and calls. She and I were both coming out of relationships and not exactly ready for anything to happen immediately. But we are both very active and fit people with a lot of similar interests and we get along really great.
Eventually a mutual friend let me know that she was interested and frustrated that I hadn’t made a move on her. So on Christmas Eve She came to see me and we had an honest conversation that the attraction was mutual. We made out a little bit before she went home. Afterwards we talked about our intentions and expectations, we are both interested in a long-term stable relationship, we are both interested in getting to know the other a little bit, and agreed that we would get together In a few days. She postponed because she wasn’t feeling well but then suggested New Year’s Eve, so I waited a few days and checked in with her and she’s cancelled again saying that she would prefer to just stay home, without offering anything else, so I’ll just leave it at that for now.
I have been out of the dating game for a while so it’s just hard to play a cool just when things were starting to get spicy. Any suggestions on how to stay calm and not double text?
We met like four years ago and have gotten to know each other since then. We talk about our lives, work, struggles, relationships, video games, music, et cetera. Sometimes, though, I feel like this friendship shouldn't exist because people may find it strange that I am friends with someone 14 years older than me. What do you think?
My (mid-30s M) wife (mid-30s F) took a job that has rather extreme hours. She also has another time/location commitment as the direct consequence of some of her actions. These combined have left us with, at most, 1 hour each day during which we are both awake and under the same roof.
As you might imagine, it has put quite the strain (for me at least, she doesn't talk about it) on our quality time, conversation, interaction, romance, and amorous activities, which have become, at best: difficult, forced, unenthusiastic, and incredibly rare. She mostly spends what little time there is playing games on her phone.
I put myself in her shoes and it becomes marginally understandable: After a long and challenging day, I could see the desire to sit quietly and do an activity with/for myself rather than attend to the needs of yet another person.
But I've been having a really hard time. I am being stoic and supportive and appreciative of all that she is doing, but, under the surface, I am lonely and miss my wife and long for connection. Should I stay the course or find some way to broach the issue, adding yet another burden to her already laborious time?
I'd really appreciate hearing from someone who's dealt with/is currently in a similar situation, or anyone who has encouragement or advice, or just anything I could think about while I deal.
My friend John mentioned that he has been feeling depressed lately. There have been some bad things in his logs that would make anyone sad but the things that normally bring him happiness aren't doing anything for him lately. It's something he has struggled with in the past. He has a counselor and has been prescribed anti-depressants. I'm not worried about him harming himself.
My understanding is that part of being a friend to someone facing depression is reaching out to spend time with them.
How much should I reach out? I don't want to harass him, and he has a wife and other friends (that are emotionally closer than me). His wife for sure knows what's going on, but I'm not sure about his other friends (our kids go to the same school so I actually see him more then most of his friends).
I understand that sometimes depressed people neglect chores in their life, should I ask his wife if there's anything I could help him/them with?