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Does anyone else have extreme trouble dealing with what comes after the honeymoon phase when dating?

I’ve only dated two people (I think I’m about to fuck this current situation up) but it seems like I don’t know how to handle it when the novelty of a new relationship somewhat calms down on my end and I’m dealing with someone who is ostensibly over attached and saying all of these wild things and love bombing me.

Things seemed to be going so well for us, but they suddenly became super physical when their lack of physicality was the exact reason I chose to date them in the first place, and that sort of took me aback :/

I’m posting in the nd forum because I suspect this is an example of not being able to deal with change (we’re on the same wavelength for a bit then I return to reality while they stay up in the clouds). It also takes up a loooooooot of energy. Shit suuuuuuuuuuuucks because I truly thought I had found the one :/

13 comments

Emperor

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Sounds like you need an open and frank discussion on what you both want out of the relationship. It's awkward but if you let things simmer it'll turn into resentment or some other negative feeling. Perhaps if you talk to the other person they might understand and not try to go too fast or you might have such different needs that it would be impossible to compromise and you agree to go your separate ways.

stigsbandit34z

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Yeah this is definitely what I’ve been chewing on 🥲 I’m absolutely terrified to talk about this though, I’m not sure how they’d handle it. Do you have any helpful tips for making it a smooth conversation?

Commiejones

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There's no way for a conversation like this to be smooth but you can preface it with how "open and honest communication essential to a functional relationship" and "you just want to be on the same page"

Emperor

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I'm afraid that a) I'm not very good at myself (learn from mistakes not my successes) and b) everyone is different, so there is no one foolproof technique. Just don't go "we need to talk about out relationship" but perhaps go out for a meal - it's relaxed, it's just the two of you, you can have drink and then you steer the conversation around to the topic. It can be tricky being open and frank if you haven't from the start but the next best time to start is now. It's hard to guess what people are thinking, so a good place to start is: 'I'm ND, so I may not be able to read your emotions as well as other people, so we do need to talk things through more and be open and clear about out feelings." That should lay the foundations for better communication.

Mountain_Mike_420

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We kind of need more information. You say you are being touched too much and the initial lack of touch is what attracted you. In the beginning of any relationship there is a natural curve to all of the things. Touch is one that goes from zero touches to a lot of touches once the relationship starts to grow. If you don’t want/ need these touches (it’s usually a good thing) then you need to have a frank discussion about your needs and if your new partner is going to be able to cater to these needs.

I’m also curious about what the timeline of this situation/relationship is at. Like are you 1 month or 2 year in? How long have you known this person and where/how did you meet?

Personally I think that it’s kind of hard to bounce back into the same vibe once it gets this lopsided and I believe that if you meet someone else right now that you would bounce on this relationship. The best relationships happen when both parties are on the same wavelength and communication goes a long way of keeping things in balance.

One of the problems I have in my relationships is that I know 2 or 3 months in that this relationship is not going to work (I am looking for forever) but I stay in it and only bale when things start to go south. This is not fair to my partner and I realize now that it is abusive behavior on my part.

umbrella

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sometimes you just notice they are not the right person for you after you get to know them much better and your horny has calmed down a bit.

stigsbandit34z

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😂 sounds true

But after each relationship where things go so well, I wonder if I’m taking a risk by not settling down ya know? Maybe something is better than nothing

umbrella

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that looks like fomo. like how people want cuddles and spousal love when they are single, and to meet people and have fun when they arent.

its awful but i dunno what to do about this one. grass is always greener and stuff.

pelletbucket

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I skip over traditional relationships at this point. my relationships are just friendships with sex. anybody that I maintain that with for any length of time is usually on the spectrum as well

tactical_trans_karen

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There's a few factors that can play a big role: our age and experience with relationships, it really could be that you two are not a good fit, and other things. At the end of the day, any relationship you get into is going to take open communication and work to grow it into what you and your partner(s) need. Open communication about expectations, how you will communicate and navigate different neurodivergence needs, expected routines and how you will or will not support each other (like are you going to have a joint bank account), is marriage or some sort of formalized union something that you're looking for, is having children in the cards, etc. Basically, what are the terms of your relationship is both something to talk about at the beginning and frequently revisit it as it grows and changes. The point is, at every stage you need to be talking about these things, giving feedback and accepting it - it takes active work. This way you can know the changes and sort them out together - that's partnership. Idk, I'm kinda going on a soap box, does this help?

Tabitha

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I like being touched (by a vague bf-like apparition, not randos) but one guy for some reason never touched me in any way that wasn't rude/mean, and I mean that by very normal standards. He was ejected very fast.

itappearsthat

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Desiring novelty is very common, both romantically and sexually. It will only bring you unhappiness if a long-term monogamous relationship is what you want. Unfortunately it kind of is as simple as that. This is a struggle everybody goes through and that you will need to overcome on a personal level.

Alternatively a lot of relationships die after the honeymoon period because the hormonal crush rush fades and stops papering over the large incompatibilities or flaws in the relationship, so this might just be very normal and not actually a problem.

the_itsb

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I guess maybe it's rare, but it is possible to have a long-term relationship that retains the novelty and excitement. I know it's cringe af to say it, but after 20 years together, idk how I could ever get bored of my husband. He's getting funnier and more interesting every year.

He was supposed to just be a rebound fling, but we were having too much fun outside the bedroom and we couldn't stop hanging out! 🤦😂

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