My parents and I don't speak at all. They're very Mormon, and I'm incredibly gay. I was excommunicated at 15 and kicked out of my home - living out of a car (illegally) or on friends' couches. My mom still occasionally reaches out to me and tries to explain that if I just don't act on my "urges" then I can be part of the family again. So uh, yeah.
It's made it very difficult to rely on anyone or really trust people in general.
Its so disgusting that religions use these cult moves like isolate or suppress or whatever. Always the Prodigal Son story, mhm, yep, keep tellin yourself that when there's no supply left.
Well being disowned by my father when I came out of the closet really put a damper on things. And my mom passing away really didn’t help open the lines of communication either.
How has it shaped me as a person? My wife has to regularly reassure me that she loves me and is keeping me so there’s that. Also I’m on therapy waiting lists.
My parents fell into conspiracy theories during the pandemic. My mum has been kind of conspiratorial for a while but kept it hush. My dad is very loud about it. They have entrenched themselves into the community. They live with several other people on their property who believe the same. They have attended anti-vax protests and have demonstrated. My dad shares this shit on Facebook all the time.
How has it changed me? I think it has improved my researching, scientific literacy, and critical thinking skills. Whenever they send things through, I go and look at the sources they provide. I have noticed a pattern. Whenever they use sciency sources, they are almost always:
The speed at which you can spread misinformation is much faster than the rate you can debunk it, so I don't do it so much to try to change their mind but more to learn about and keep informed on the science myself.
I don't know what to do. We are on good terms and I just try not to talk about it or ignore their remarks. I'm not good in real-time "debates"; I feel much more comfortable taking my time and writing responses or findings. My dad is also very assertive to the point of aggressiveness in real-time discussions, so I get a bit intimidated. Sometimes they surprise me with reasonable takes that remind me that they do actually have values.
I find if you have to be there at all, humor humor humor. And I don't mean to patronize them, I mean to be funny and outrageous. Call their nonsense with some other fun nonsense that nobody got no stake in
I think one of the key points of parent-offspring relationships is modeling. I didn’t have great parents and after some early struggles, I have learned what NOT to do. I try to shun violence, judgement, cruelty, substance abuse, etc for empathy, open communication, understanding, and friendship.
I had a neglectful single mother and it has resulted in 1) me being independent to a fault and 2) me not being comfortable interacting in family settings (friends' and significant others' families).
Mine was definitely neglectful but was way worse of a piece of shit to the point I mourn how much better it would've been if she left me even more alone. Its always Paradise and Eden until a crazy skirt trudges in and Karening
My mother will go through periods where she decides to fall out with everyone.
She’ll start taking offence to irrelevant things, accuse people of being out to get her, and just generally make mountains out of molehills.
I avoid close relationships with people as I assume it will inevitably end with a massive fallout.
I find the fact that both of my parents are dead to be a huge barrier to a healthy relationship. At this point we really have stopped communicating. /s (not really though, it is just a fact.)
I wonder if Graveyard Counselling is a thing—it has to be?!
Edit: i feel sometimes (not sadly but not exactly gleefully either) this is the only thing that could ever work with my own. She's too broken for now and I gotta fix me
Edit: this idea has legs...what if neither of you have to be dead either 🤔 What if the simulation/dress rehearsel is sufficient for some cases? Like this is it, if we can't budge this will be the next time we attend to one another
I have emphatically not included them and I will clarify this has nothing to do with parapsychology bullshit. This is all very real and grounded in physical relaity and recognition of the poignancy of time's finiteness and the limits of dysfunction tolerated by self-respecting people
My mom's unwillingness to break with religion, or just not make it a requirement of the partners she picks, even though christian men all treat her like trash. She refuses to see how bigotry is a feature of the church, and not a bug, because she herself is pretty tolerant.
I guess I kind of consider my step dad to be my dad, though that will probably change if he ever figures out I'm trans, or have dated men. My biggest issue is his bigotry, as mentioned above.
These things made me pretty awful and biggotted myself for a while, until the stress of being a self hating queer broke me, and now I'm pretty anti-authority, and anti-bigotry.
My father's a narcissist and my family waves it away. I'm fine with LC, he's not, so I guess sooner or later it'll turn into NC. It's frustrating. He wants a relationship and says he's willing to try, but he's incapable of accepting any reality where he's done something wrong or hurt someone. I've spent years trying to think of the magic words that would fix things but there's no way around it.
As a person it's made me more conscious of people's limits. There's a will on both sides for us, but we're each limited in our own ways. I can't be as tolerant as the rest of my family and he won't be able to make progress without therapy that he doesn't even realize he needs.
He should listen to Self-Therapy, its a good treatment on Internal Family Sysytems which is a modality that tries to get the "difficult" parts of us back on the same team with the other parts that can do their own cool shit and everyone inside can work together in the service of whatver you put yourself up to
Thanks for the suggestion. I don't think I could get him to take part in any kind of therapy but it sounds interesting for myself. Do you have any favorite resources?
If he ever starts rubbing up against you or trying to swoop back in, politely refer him to the book (there's audible if he likes that) and let him know its an important part of you getting yourself better and understanding people more and maybe if he reads it some day and put in the effort (theres exercises aha)...
We'll see. (Probably not but telling him to surprise you and put it in his possession so he can't pass it off to someone else (i get the sense he would be self-conscious of the idea of people noticing him with it...All these games we play, sigh
The important thing for him to know is you're not his property and you have your own shit. You can leave any time he starts talkin' stupid, I use it all the time. Make sure all your shit is 2FA bro too. The only way to engage with a narcississt at all is to take away all the toys/weapons, make the blend in, and remind them you retain all call logs indefinitely.
Mine are dead, but in terms of things I tried to do differently with my kids, as a mom:
Did not just put them in whatever school and figure they'd be fine.
Tried to be more physically affectionate, with varying levels of success.
Tried to be encouraging.
She was a good role model in a lot of ways but was not very mom-like at all, and we were just too different to really get along, My dad I got on with much better, but he died when I was a teenager.
What do I think my kids find difficult about me? Stubborn, I would guess, and the older ones suffered when I stayed with my ex too long, I am sure that they must resent me for not leaving sooner, his anger he took out on them not just me.
For me it's boundaries. My mom especially has problems recognising when I'm setting boundaries, or doesn't notice how serious I am about them. But I've learned to better communicate them and to act in a healthier way when they are overstepped (don't get angry, but explain again that it's a boundary etc.) which has improved our relationship a lot.
I have a pretty good relationship with my parents but they are both very hyper critical of everyone, which has led not only to me being anxious that everyone is constantly judging me but also me being very critical of strangers and that's a habit I've been trying very hard to break.
Family is very religious and conservative, I'm very atheist and liberal. Got kicked out three times or so, one fight that almost got me charged with domestic assault after they harassed my wife and kid.
It's made me more careful of people in general, because I've realized that it's not just them- most people have things they believe wrapped up in their sense of self, and criticizing or questioning those things will be interpreted as an attack. I've gotten very good at identifying those beliefs and easing the conversation over them lightly without digging into my own opinions on the subject, then moving on to other topics. It's uncomfortable, but luckily I have a partner who has almost no beliefs like that, and who will bluntly and cheerfully argue about basically anything lol