I think you’re being overly sensitive on the condoms - they’re just a contraceptive (but definitely store properly). On the sex toys.. maybe. Toy for your butt - get a new one together. Her favourite vibrator - let her keep it, it’ll pay dividends. Try not to be insecure about the previous relationships - it’s never a good look.
Things that make me uncomfortable? - vague answers, going stuff because they feel they should rather than want to.
Yeah, had to mention vibrators or something else that was exclusively used on her is generally fine.
To be clear - this is not a sign of insecurity, not retroactive jealousy, either. This is just a simple wish to not interact with anything sexual used by the other guy I never chose to be intimate with and who can be gross to me, even if this is a pack of otherwise separate condoms. Like, it's not hard or expensive to replace - just buy a damn pack at the nearest pharmacy - and regardless of how much your partner cares, you won't lose anything either way. And I feel like I'm not the only person in the world caring for such matters.
I feel like as much as we try to make it less of a deal, this is just innately uncomfortable for many - not through insecurities it's often written off to, but rather through the nature of the intimate, of the highly personal. I want for our sex life to be ours alone in all aspects, not because someone else was "better" - I seem to be good and skillful and attractive - but because they, for all their previous experience with her, are not invited.
Also, heavily agree on vague answers and signs that partner is pressured. This is a no-go.
This feels like some weird purity test or something. Sometimes am unexpeted hook up happens and it's better to have a condom ready than have unprotected sex with a stranger. You aren't complaining about having sex in the same bed as her previous partners, so why would unused condoms be any different?
That's my point - those are not "unexpected hook-ups" (I never feel comfortable with those), those are events in a relationship they could absolutely prepare for, and something that normally comes with a greater level of intimacy.
Changing a bed is unreasonably costly, materially and financially, besides, bed is not necessarily associated with sex.
Getting new condoms is a matter of spending beer money at a nearest pharmacy.
So if she had been out of a relationship for, say, a year, and had bought a box at the start of the time, used half of them on different partners, and then used one with you it'd have been fine? At least from the condom perspective, never mind that she has casual sexual encounters and that's never cool. Good luck on your gymnastics journey.
Considering you went straight to cost, the vibe I'm getting from this is you'd be happier if they did replace the bed. Along with everything else.
I don't know how old you are (you sound on the younger side), but I can tell you this is something that will get worse as you get older, not better. I'm someone that used to have a jealousy/insecurity streak with my partners and I worked on it. Something to consider.
I said already I don't have insecurity about past partners or retroactive jealousy. It's just gross to me.
I think it's normal to have oddball hangups, nobody gets experienced without some baggage, basically. You know this is a you problem so I don't think it's an anti-sexual-woman thing, more like an OCD thing, right? I think the answer here is to bring your own condoms, or go shopping for them together since it's a planned thing.
Yes, that's what I did.
I explained my issue to her in a gentle way and offered the condoms I bought myself. She immediately accepted it, to which I'm thankful.
Also, right on spot, I do have diagnosed OCD.
Let me ask you this. If she just had a few loose condoms in her purse, would it have turned you off? What about a couple spare in a wallet? The assumption I would make is she bought them to have them handy (hah) not for a specific partner. It's the same as a guy keeping a condom on him.
Well, I'm lucky enough to be married and not have to deal with new partners any more.
That being said, my biggest gripe was how often folks would just assume that because I'm big, that I'm automatically going to prefer pounding partners into the bed until they can't move.
Like, yeah, I look like some kind of overbuilt savage sasquatch, but damn. There were many people I turned down because they didn't get that my default isn't trying to shove my penis through their cervix as hard and fast as possible. And that's both the ones that were scared of it, and the ones that wanted that.
After a while, I got tired of it being assumed that I was inherently brutal just because of my looks. The ones that wanted that didn't bug me as much because at least that's a normal part of negotiations. But there is nothing that's more of a turn off than fear. I get it, I do. Women have a long history of being treated like an object for use. And I am big. Even after I quit lifting for mass, and lost some bulk, and over a decade disabled, I'm still big.
But give a dude a chance to be gentle ffs. We've cuddled and I'm very careful when using my size with others, so it's equally as likely that's how I'll be in bed, since that's at least based on things I've done.
But it's whatever now :)
My wife, before she was my wife, traveled hundreds of miles just to meet me based on our interactions online. And yeah, she was nervous, but she never once made it about me being sasquatch looking. She just trusted that I would be the same person she had known for a couple years.
As weird as it may seem, most of my partners over the years were people I had known for months or years. So it isn't like I was getting the fear from hookups only.
Heavily doubling down on everything you say here!
I am big, too, and that DOES NOT MEAN I AM NOT GENTLE!
Those who know me close, of course, know me as a cuddly and kind and gentle person; girlfriend knows more about it, including sexual stuff, and loves me for that, to which I am very grateful.
Interesting you mentioned your wife drove to see you - I just recently came back from seeing my girl, around 700 miles away, and finally, October to November, she will be able to move in with me. You just added some bright hopes :)
"No" is my main turn off. It works every time.
Other than that, inactive or submissively passive. I'm not looking for a full service car wash, nor am I selling one. If you're waiting for a valet, park your own car.
Messy, toys, whatever - great! You aren't some weirdo that expected me or does this often.
Sex is subsentient animal behavior. It's dirty, smelly, awkward, weird, funny, and stupid. No pretense; embrace the stupid and go with it. Someone's been there before, probably someone will be after. Girls use everything as toys. If she has a collection, be grateful maybe she uses those instead of your toothbrush and pillow.
I have nothing against sex being "dirty, smelly, awkward, weird, funny, and stupid". I'm all for a natural passion that is not a refined picture, nor am I all puritan. In fact, I'd very much allow her to use my toothbrush and pillow should she want it (hot if I think about it), but I'd rather give her what pleases her best :D
I know someone has been there before, I just don't need to be reminded of that with items that were actively used in such process. And yeah, as a fairly monogamous keeper, I'd rather not have someone after unless there's a good reason for us to break up.
Also, yes, on your point, "no" means "no", and I'd rather have other words from her should we go full BDSM. This would otherwise introduce a lot of anxiety about hurting her, even if it's CNC.
Like hangups? I was anorexic and am unsettled by having now what is a more conventionally beautiful figure because I still see it as fat. If you squish my belly innocently, thinking only good things, all that bad shit is running through my head. Not your fault but it will turn me right off.
And for whatever reason, pegging is the least sexy activity I can imagine, I hate the thought of it, the equipment, everything about it. Don't even ask.
I think that's it for the unusual and irrational ones.
It's all in my various profiles. I'm a male or non-binary pansexual leather bottom. I focus on what I like more than what I dislike, and there's a lot more of the former than the latter. There is enough negativity in my life outside of sexuality that I don't need to ruin sexy times with intrusive thoughts.
If you don't show any kind of preference or direction during sex, I'm gonna figure you're not there for me but something I have. So tell me how you like it!