im a dick then, and i dont even feel bad tbh
fuck those dark patterned automated phone systems that should have been an easy peasy fucking button on a fucking web site
why do they make you waste hours on this bullshit when making it simple would probably have been easier
Companies would rather you give up than cost them money getting customer support from them.
Mildly irritated in a way that suggests that I know exactly what needs to happen but am about 85% sure it won't but I also don't want to be mean to anyone but I also do want them to take me seriously?
Seems about right
This isn't "who you really are" though. It's actually better to sound irritated to the IVR because some can detect vocal inflection and swear words. They will send you to a live agent faster than if you are polite. They make the polite people jump through more hoops.
It sort of depends on the impact and stupidity of the problem.
If it’s a first time call, and I don’t really know if the problem is me or the company, the voice gets “I need a human” followed by “representative” if it pushes back. If it pushes back a second time, I start scatting and speaking gibberish into the phone, with random pauses built in, so the phone system has no hope of understanding anything I say.
If it’s a multiple call, dumb issue that’s clearly their fault, I immediately begin insulting the automated voice and demand to talk to a human. “I bet you’re running on a Pentium 2, you dumb fuck. Get me a human. You’re not qualified to open doors, let alone answer calls. I want a representative. You can be hacked with a cereal box whistle, you inadequate and poorly executed excuse for taking jobs away from people with families! Speaking of, get me a human, you scab!”
Usually I’m speaking with a raised voice, throwing ever more deranged statements at the bot. I don’t know if it helps, but I enjoy it.
I was trying to get help with something while setting up Windows, and getting increasingly frustrated with their stupid automated tech support (because evidently it’s literally impossible to speak to a human unless you’re a developer or something). I ended up cursing at it, and it stopped and went “Let’s keep this professional.” If anything that made me even more pissed off.
That is both hilarious and insanely annoying.
How about they keep it professional by having useful fucking help tools, and software that isn’t intentionally designed to be useless so it can extract ever-increasing amounts of personal information?
I digress, but you aren’t alone.
My employer - 50k MS licenses. We used to have a monthly get-together with a Microsoft customer experience person. About 200 of the mid-high level IT folks would chat, air their grievances, be given guidance, and occasionally have those issues referred on to other teams within MS as bug fixes, feature requests, etc.
Shortly after MS had that big layoff in early 2023 that took all of their training staff with them, they reassigned all their customer experience staff to other roles, and left our org with no ability to work with them on issues, other than the ‘feedback’ button on the apps.
In 2023, there were several instances where Microsoft sent emails to everyone in our org announcing features, or even just deploying things (like a ‘feature’ that exfiltrates company data to Microsoft’s AI service) without our IT execs knowing beforehand.
Whatever they are doing, it is clearly not being customer-centric right now.
That seems to be the way of the world, lately. Kill whole departments and just kinda hope stuff keeps working, and ignore it when it doesn't.
I’m sure this is a quality shitpost, but I don’t get it 😅 Can someone explain the context for this?
I don't know if I agree with the content necessarily but do find it funny if I'm following right.
When on the phone with an automated system, many of them will bypass to a real person if they hear certain phrases, "representative" being a very commonly used one. I think it's saying the way you say representative reflects your true self, whether you just calmly repeat "representative", or yell "REPRESENTATIVE" at the robot until someone picks up lol
every automated phone call I've had has never been more advanced that "press 1 for support, press 2 to go fuck yourself" etc.
I'm guessing it's just a US thing? Otherwise I might give it a shot the next time my ISP double charges me
You're so lucky. The voice ones suck because you have to be somewhere really quiet and if anyone is around to hear you, they can get info on what you're calling about. It can be embarrassing.
What's the point of yelling at a robot except making it harder for them to detect the word
They actually have AI systems that can detect your mood.
I was in a hurry and started yelling “I WANT TO TALK TO A PERSON” over and over at the computer voice.
It finally took and when the person came on she was friendly in a “let’s deal with this crazy person” voice.
My question was easy for a person to address, but not on their menus and needed to be addressed quickly.
I am probably on a list somewhere, but until we get a social scoring regime, I should be OK.
Because most of them switch me to a live person immediately if I yell curse words at them, but trying to guess their limited word recognition takes forever.
I asked chatgpt to explain it…surprisingly not bad:
This is humorous because it suggests that speaking to an automated phone system in a certain way—often out of frustration when trying to reach a human operator—reveals one's true character. It's a playful take on how technology can sometimes bring out unexpected sides of us, especially when it doesn’t work as smoothly as we’d like.
But it doesn't provide an explanatory context. It still assumes everyone knows what the hell these words mean, mainly "representative" in this context.
Thanks for letting us know you can't form your own opinions and have to stroke ChatGPT's nuts instead.
I asked ChatGPT if your post was supportive or mocking and it said I had internet connectivity problems.
I was more-so interested in determining whether chatgpt would be able to understand the humor in OP’s post, and thought it would be neat to share what it came up with.
How old are you and where do you live that you have never called some company or service and been put on hold and forced through hoops to have to ask to speak with a real person?
I enunciate as clearly as possible, and only get louder if it doesn't seem to be able to understand me.
However, Walgreens' system is horrible, and I have been known to snap "PHARMACY" occasionally...
Walgreens’ system is horrible, and I have been known to snap “PHARMACY” occasionally…
Walgreens actual pharmacy is such a pain in the ass. I cannot stand using them. If there was another pharmacy that was only double the distance away, I would use them. They are terrible!!
CVS isn't much better. My partner gets her birth control from one. They come prepackaged in blister packaging, the fuckers at the pharmacy don't have to do ANYTHING other than throw the package into a bag, and multiple times she's had to go two or three days without the pill because "We need to check to make sure the prescription is correct".
Man fuck CVS. I once sat on hold on the phone for an hour and a half with a local CVS pharmacy.
That was more than enough time to take a shower, get dressed, drive my angry ass up to the Pharmacy, and have it out in person with the people there doing .... nothing.
I sat in line while still on hold. I got my prescription refilled while still on hold. None of them ever picked up the phone.
I held my phone up while still on hold (with their phones ringing nonstop) to show the pharmacy employee I had been waiting for an hour and a half and had to drive up to the pharmacy to resolve the problem in person when it should have taken no more than 5 minutes over the phone.
So that was the last time ill ever go to CVS. Fuck them.
I'm usually really nice; after all, the robots will soon take over and I want to be on their good side.
Or sometimes I just use a silly voice or say it sexy. Especially fun when they ask to speak your issue, cause that leads to a fun bit of confusion when the guy or gal on the other line picks up knowing ahead of time I'm a weirdo from a kids cartoon.
Same but I say it increasingly angry. I have also been known to threaten them with magnets.
I didn't even get that this saying is actually talking to phone trees instead of online customer service robots
Protip: don't even engage with those systems. Just press 0. Every time it prompts you to say something to proceed. Has yet to fail me.
I cuss like a maniac. Some systems seem to pick up curse words and escalate the caller to a rep. Used to work better than it does now.
They've started phasing that one out, but I've found repeating "help" gets similar results.
We think you might be experiencing an emergency. Please hang up and call <country of origin emergency services number>. Have a nice day!
Loud, clear, dispassionate. I don't know who's listening. I'll kick a roomba when no ones looking tho.
Yep, anyone who has had to work with these call robots all day for work knows this hack. Smash 0 until it starts ringing a human.
I say it in a very tired voice because I've already spent hours researching and trying to fix it myself.
