“The connection between elves and goblins was obvious in hindsight. The most glaring similarity, of course, is their elongated or oversized ears in general. It turns out that goblins and elves both share a common elvish ancestor. With the help of Zofran the Soothing, a wizard colleague who majored in the modern application of necromancy with a minor in archaeology, as well as consulting some experts of arcane history, I managed to establish a truth that rattled our modern society.
Obviously, there is a noticeable difference between goblins and elves. The latter are taller, more magically inclined, and generally considered to be fair, whereas the former are considered to be the exact opposite outside of some niche communities on the net. During my research, I and my partners linked the first forays into the field of arcanalogistics, or conjuration magic, as it was called a few centuries ago, with the existence of goblins. Millennia ago, when society didn’t even exist beyond tribal communities, there were traces of arcanalogistics being used by a certain tribe to traverse great distances – especially during winter. This rudimentary teleportation magic allowed the tribe to have a semi-permanent residence and spend less time wandering.
Of course, as any wizard worth their salt, regardless of their major could tell you, is that ancient arcanalogistics are not very reliable. Even nowadays interns around the globe muck up the magic circles designed to prevent packages from getting displaced, leading to poor Timmy not receiving their fan merch from that one homunculus entertainer on the net. The fact of the matter is, that it was only a matter of time until one tribe messed up the spell and was stranded in a mana sparse region.
Thanks to the pioneering works of Xanax the Wise, we all know that mana is one of the key factors in the theory of evolution. In the case of this common ancestor, the absence of mana, and therefore magic, has had a profound impact on the further development of this now-stranded tribe. As it turns out, the goblins’ green skin is the result of natural selection.
If you would take a look at the map over here, you would see that this region of the world is known for two things: Dense, and lush forests, and having horrendously low quantities of mana. This is also the place where the common ancestor, or rather, proto-goblin lived. With the lack of resources to cast magic naturally comes a lack of offensive and defensive tools. As a result, proto-goblins were naturally selected to be green-skinned. Excavations led by Zofran the Soothing further lend certain credence to Adderall the Focused’s hypothesis that the goblin convention of ritualistic usage and arrangement of bones, skulls, and other offerings hints at a paradoxical inclination toward the arcane.
With all that out of the way, I welcome you to my ATED Talk. My name is-”
A laptop is slapped shut by an elf with a disgusted expression. As he stands up from the other side of the desk and makes his way to me, he drags his hand across the surface and finally wraps it around my throat when he reaches me. I choke as I try to breathe. The elf in his snazzy suit leans in and spits directly in my face. If his goons hadn’t tied me down and brought in the magic-suppressing cuffs, I would have cast the most heinous spells to defend myself.
“Lomotil the Hardy… Didst thee in earnest believeth yond thy slight 'gainst us wouldst passeth unnoticed, or where thee foolish enough to expecteth nay retaliation?” he whispers next to me and nods to the other elf behind me who slams my face into the oaken surface of the polished desk. I can hear the crunch of my nose breaking, and blood begins gushing out soon after. Before I can even wallow in the pain, the same elf drags me up by the hair. Disoriented, I see that the talking elf had moved to the window and was holding a glass of wine.
“What slight? Saying that goblins are basically a subspecies of elves? It’s all scientifically-” I can’t continue my defense before the elf at the window douses me with the contents of his glass.
“Thou art a clotpole.” he begins, looking enraged, “comparing our magnificence to such… hideous and simplistic creatures is unfitting of our stature.”
“Well,” I retort, “it’s not like it changes a thing, does it now?”
Striding back to me, the elf grabs the front of my robes and stares into my eyes.
“Elves and goblins art not the same. Never were. Never shall we be. Already, mine own kind experience the mocking of the other races. I feareth that soon, we shall be treated as lesser, due to thy piece.”
“And so you knock me unconscious, drag me into your mansion. Get to the point.”
“Thou shalt retract thine piece. Destroy your work and admit publicly to your folly.” he lets go of my robes and wipes his now damp hand with a handkerchief. “Goblins are nothing compared to us elves. An insult of similar scale would be insisting that dwarvenkind and halflings are cousins.”
Just as he finishes his sentence, the window implodes in a shower of glass, as my colleague Zofran the Soothing comes flying in on top of his broom. A quick application of some necromantic spell knocks out the elf behind me. With another flick of his wand, the snazzy elf is hurled back into a wall, where the wind is knocked out of him.
“Lomotil, I have come to save you!” he shouts and begins freeing me of my bindings. Of course, him being an accomplished wizard, this only takes seconds, before he hands me my staff. The snazzy elf had taken some time to return to a standing position and was now wielding his own wand and a sword.
With my magic returned to me, and my colleague at my side, I let the elf in on a secret.
“Oh, we are already exploring the relations between dwarves and halflings, and you wouldn’t believe what we found...”
It's not much, nor as good as I'd like, but I haven't written in quite some time. Obviously, English isn't my first language, so excuse the inevitable mistakes. I just wanted to do my part and finally get an actual answer to a prompt in this community, even if I had to do it myself.
No no, this is great, I loved every second of it. Especially how all the wizards are named after drugs (Adderall the focused is especially good lol). I appreciate you writing a response, it was a fantastic and humorous read, you're really good at this!
I had to research drugs for names because I didn't want to come up with names, but remembered the whole spiel about drugs making for cool wizard names. I wrote this thing just before I went to sleep, which is why I wasn't too happy with it. To be honest, I also wanted to include [Testicular Torsion] as one of the heinous spells, but I forgor 💀.
Maybe I'll answer some more prompts when a good one pops up. Thanks for reading.