Crackpot idea - if you're both already paying for therapy individually and had limited success with couples therapy (assuming the couples therapist was not one of your therapists), maybe your therapists be open to having a session with the four of you?
You already have rapport with them and they know your individual histories so could save a lot of time setting the stage that way. Would be interesting seeing what the therapists would say to each other. Or if meeting isn't possible, maybe could ask your therapists if they'd contact each other to help gain insight?
Sorry you're going through this. She sounds like she's being callous.
If you do decide there's a shred of hope and desire to saving this relationship and all you can change is yourself, then I can offer what has helped my partner and I. Building a habit of affection without the expectation of sex. As in, not lingering too long waiting for the other to "signal the go ahead" for sex. Just a quick but meaningful hug or kiss when nearby, then going back to minding our own business. Also keeping on top of the chores and decisions. Partial contributor to our dead bedroom was because there is nothing more unsexy than thinking of all the things that still need doing. If there's been a dynamic that she feels like she's had to run the household (making sure chores are done, meal planning, groceries are bought and put away, social things organized, birthdays are remembered, etc) then she might feel like your mother. And obviously women are biologically wired not to be attracted to their children.
Thank you for the suggestion. We had a really productive day today and are intending to pursue couples therapy, once we've healed enough in our individual therapy.
While my situation does rhyme with a lot of others, it has a bit more in common with being married to someone with cancer than the typical high-libido/low-libido issues. And, on top of that, communications failures and misunderstandings on both of our parts.
Sorry you're going through this. She sounds like she's being callous.
Somewhat initially, yes. She didn't understand where I was coming from and what I was feeling. The size things was really fucked up but, that was nearly ten years ago now. The rest has been failures of communication, misunderstanding, and the sometimes myopic view that comes from being stuck in unresolved grief for 6 years. Now that she understands that it wasn't just insecurity but feelings of long-term rejection cranked up to 11, she's doing everything she can to help repair the damage and remasculate myself.
Shit still hurts down in this hole, but once upgraded to torchlight and am going to watch the LotR extended cuts, anhedonia be damned.