I got a COVID infection a while ago that permanently disabled me pretty bad. Bedridden, unable to move much, etc.

The thing that really helped me was relaxing and listening to music. That’s what I spent my days doing as I couldn’t do much else. I became a real music nerd and just loved the bliss of hearing music.

A little later (two years). I got another COVID infection — I was taking very strong precautions, and couldn’t see anyone. It turns out I got it from my doctor. Anyways, this infection caused some brain damage which has caused me to mostly loose the ability to hear. And now I’m still mostly motionless alone in bed, but I haven’t even got the comfort of sound or music. Just a mostly silent (tinnitus filled) world.

I’m so scared of getting covid again. But mostly I miss the world and my old life. Being stuck alone in bed with only the internet for company sucks. People tend to be arseholes online. I can’t help but feel I got “natural selectioned”. Me and my wife were planning on having kids soon. Now I barely see her and I’m going to slowly die in a nursing home. There are specific genetic vulnerabilities to illnesses, and natural selection works with them (see what Europeans coming to America did). And I got fucked here. COVID was my end.

So, I have always wanted the best of both worlds with watches. An analogue timepiece that looks nice. But also the ability to see texts on my wrist. So, Fossil had a solution a while ago. The Fossil Hybrid. It was beautiful, had physical hands and an e-ink display under it which subtly showed messages. You literally cannot tell it was a smartwatch until you started using it. It had basic health features and boasted a two week long battery life.

I have been eyeing these up for years. Maybe around four. I didn't get one as they were £300. I loved them but not that much. I finally got one back in July. It was pre owned at £90 with a minor scratch and a slightly squidgy button (but still worked) and I fell in love. It also came with a 2 year warranty, so I knew it wasn't very risky. I designed the perfect watch face and everything. It was a great conversation starter. Nobody ever saw a thing like it. My girlfriend even jokingly said "check out my boyfriend's cool watch!"

Anyway, out of the blue last week, I plugged it in for the weekly charge and it wouldn't charge. I took it off and the other charging ring thingy just came off. The glue had losened. As much as I tried pushing it back in, it wouldn't charge. I kept it until Friday watching the battery drain. On Friday I went back to the shop and handed it in. I was hoping they could fix it for me and get it back maybe. But no. I could have tried gluing it in myself, but would have certainly voided the warranty. I talk about it but people don't seem to understand that even though I got a refund (well, it's still processing) I am still heartbroken. My dream watch turned out to be a poorly built experimental thing by Fossil and it was a common manufacturing defect, so I don't want to risk getting another one. Unfortunately the software was lacking as well (could have done with a calendar, couldn't turn off a notification indicator as well, etc). So there's a product I fell in love with, but the company that made it doesn't care. And nobody has ever made something similar since.

There's a void on my wrist and I don't know what to replace it with.

I am tempted to try and build my own. I actually saw a display on AliExpress that is circular eink and has a hole in the centre. But I probably lack the complete skill, even though open source LED smartwatches exist and with some wizardry I could maybe convert that into a new hybrid one, it's probably just one of my pipe dreams. I never even managed to get a seven segment display working properly with a raspberry pi pico.

I just need to get this off my chest because it’s been weighing on me. My daily routine feels like a never-ending loop of the same things, over and over again. Every day blends into the next with nothing exciting to break the cycle. I’ve tried to change things up, but even when I do, 90% of the time it still feels dull and uninspiring.

And it’s not like I haven’t tried. Over the last months and the past year, I’ve done a lot to shake things up: I got into rock climbing, went diving (though I have to travel further for that), tried arts, took different classes, learned a new language (Spanish), explored different coffee shops and bars. I’m doing so much, and yet, no matter what I try, everything just feels bland. The excitement fades fast, and I’m left feeling like I’m back at square one.

Honestly, I don’t need a doctor to tell me I’m depressed — I’m pretty sure I am, in some way. Even though it might not seem like it from what I’ve written, I genuinely love life. I just think it’s fair to say that I found more joy in life 10 years ago than I do now.

On top of that, the state of the world is messing with my head. The climate disaster is f*cking me up, too. It’s like this dark cloud that’s always looming in the back of my mind, with burning forests here, floods there, hurricanes here, and just constant environmental devastation. It’s a relentless reminder that things aren’t getting better. Technology isn’t helping either. I used to enjoy AI and new tech, but it’s gotten so overwhelming. Five years ago, I’d laugh at my mom for falling for fake calls or texts. Now I have to look for weird flaws in fingers, mouths, and eyes just to figure out if something is real or AI-generated.

And look at Flux — it’s just insane. The rapid advancement in AI tools like that makes it even harder to discern what’s real. It’s not just the fake calls and texts anymore; now we’re dealing with sophisticated AI that can generate incredibly realistic but entirely fabricated content. It feels like the line between reality and simulation is blurring more every day, and it’s exhausting to keep up with.

There are times when I honestly wish I wasn’t even born a human. Like, I’d rather be a bird or something else, just to escape this endless loop of dullness. And right now, I kind of wish I didn’t live here either. I know, when I go on vacation everything feels fine, and those moments are great. But I also know that the countries I visit aren’t some utopia either — they struggle too. It’s just easier to ignore when you’re only there for a little while.

And then there’s the feeling that everyone around me is so focused on themselves. It’s like people are caught up in their own lives, and I get it — life is hard for everyone. But it just adds to the isolation. No real connection, just people in their own bubbles.

Maybe I’ve just lost touch with what makes life exciting, or maybe I need something I haven’t figured out yet. But honestly, right now, life feels bland, and I’m not sure how to break out of it.

Anyone else ever feel like this? Or am I just going through the motions on my own?

I'm having trouble recalling the title of the video where the content creator Muta (SomeOrdinaryGamers) did an in-depth analysis (Deep Dive) of the kid (think his name is Miles) who traveled to Albania for some TikTok video because of (the word called I can’t remember what it’s called, where when students take a break from their education to take a little vacation), and that leads him to be unable to leave the county. I could be wrong about if it’s actually Albanian. I can't seem to locate it, and it's for my personal study. I could also be wrong and I’m sorry if that’s the case, I must have misunderstood and this is probably a Mandela effect.

**Sorry if this isn’t the correct community. The creator doesn’t have a community on lemmy. **

I get it; we're all tired. Exhausted, even. Getting up, dealing with humans, making your way through traffic, navigating social complexities, etc., all suck.

Being disconnected, unwilling or unmotivated to engage, or just out of it adds to the morass of shit. I am tired of people who don't bother to try.

To me, these people just make things more unbearable.

I'm not sure what's going on with me, but just a few minutes ago I woke up screaming for my life. I don't even know what happened and I barely remember what it was.

My right arm was competely numb and I felt like I had crossed a point of no return in my chest. I don't think it was a heart attack, I'm quite alright now, but I felt like I was going to die.

I've suspect I have sleep apnea that keeps getting worse and worse. I wake up suddenly if I fall asleep while sitting down and every time it gets harder and harder to wake up. Until today that I woke up in a huge panic after lying down on my bed.

My head feels foggy and I feel uncertain. I don't know what to do. I can't go see a specialist or a doctor for that matter. But, fuck, I thought I was a gonnet for a second.

So, I've never posted on one of these type forums before. But I just needed to tell someone, because I don't feel like I have any IRL I can tell.

I haven't dated much. In my 30s, gay, and I've had a couple boyfriends, lots of sex/random hookups, but never really delved deep into dating. I've always used my lifestyle as an excuse, I don't have a lot of free time for potentially identifying reasons (don't want this linked to my main account). But the reality is a lot simpler. I'm ugly. I don't have a great face, and even if I did, I'm fat, I've been balding since 17, and my teeth are jacked up. Despite brushing my teeth 3 times a day, I have bad cavities, and a few years ago I had to have a front tooth extracted.

But a couple weeks ago I met a boy. It was great. A hook up turned into a date, turned into days of texting, him asking to be exclusive, turned into a second date, and some of the best, most passionate sex I've ever had. Then the next day he got distant, and the day after that told me he needed space, didn't want to talk anymore.

He said that this "every day thing" was too much, and he couldn't deal with the "cutesy shit." He was the one that initiated all of that. I don't have a lot of self confidence, and it's hard for me to be cutesy or affectionate, or put myself out there. Most of the time I just want to melt into the scenery, be as unnoticed as possible... Not easy when you're well over 6 foot, nearly 300 pounds and a tenor.

I think this was it for me, y'all. I can't take this again. I feel so humiliated and embarrassed. I told my friends about him, and now I don't even want to ever speak to them again, because I am so incredibly embarrassed. They're going to ask about him, and I'm going to tell them that it didn't work. And they won't say it, but they'll know why. Because who the fuck could handle this? I just want to curl up into a ball and stop existing. I'm not actually suicidal, and I don't need help on that. But I think I'm done with ever trying to have a relationship. I can't do it. I can't handle being cutesy with a guy again. The idea of letting anyone else see that side of me fills me with dread at this point. It's like he found every insecurity I had and hit each and every one of them without ever mentioning them directly.

And the worst part is, I can't even really be angry at him. He's younger than me, he deserves better than I could have offered. He has every right to not want to talk to me, I'm not some incel that thinks I'm owed love or sex. But dammit, it fucking hurt and I don't know how to move past this. I've had a few boyfriends before, but I've never cried over one. I've never felt so connected to a person so quickly. It wasn't like we were even really together, but I had very high hopes. Really, for the first time. I didn't know I could feel like that, especially so quickly.

I don't even know what I'm hoping to get out of posting this. I just needed to write it out, I guess

Hi. This might be a long one.

The next year of June I will be graduating highschool. This is typically viewed as a relatively big event where I am (Scandinavia), where students rush out of the school building, meet up with their families to say congrats, then scurry along to ride around the city and party with their peers.

The issue for me is the family part. My family consists of two main sides: my mother, brother, his girlfriend (1), and then my father, sister, and her husband (2). They have no contact with each other whatsoever and a lot of family feud has occurred to cause that consequence. They don't actively hate each other, but dislike and pettiness is consistent.

I feel forced to choose between two sides. This has caused me a relative amount of stress lately. My sister and I talked about this, and she said she would understand if I didn't choose side 2, but she is a family-oriented person so I feel I would still disappoint her. My dad doesn't care about social events and festivities like this (nor do I, so I'm not upset with him or anything like that). My mom, however, thinks this is one of the most important milestones in life. She even told me she would show up along with my brother (with whom I have no contact; I blocked him a while back because he's obnoxious and has started to buy into right-wing and Trumpist circles, and I don't really want to be with people like that. He has expressed very strange views at my father's house, but that's another story).

Personally, I would rather none of them show up. My mother disagrees with me on this, but I feel it would be much more awkward with 2 families on the opposite ends to choose between, than having nobody there. Like, who do I go to first? And since they can't stand to even see each other, how far away would they stand from each other? 500 metres? That just sounds awkward to me.

I am considering only inviting my friend to this celebration, a guy I met in my programming class last year. I would feel infinitely better having only him there than both of my family sides. My mother is a stubborn woman and I'm guessing she expects she will be there along with my brother, and my sister is very sensitive and can hold grudges for a long time, and I feel like I have to choose between a bunch of adults that want to show up to this minor festivity at best. Everyone else my age can enjoy this event, and I'm stuck here trying to plan an acceptable alternative.

That's that. I'm glad I got to express my thoughts. Any advice or support or personal experiences are welcome. Cheers y'all!

To be clear, I don't really think my mom is, but this was revealed to me by my sister yesterday.

So, I was having an argument with my sister, there is a family situation and my sister said I was repeating out mom's version. During the argument, she said that our mom was diagnosed schizophrenic as a child, and that she was even locked up (?).

For context. I'm 25. My sister is in her 40s.

Our mom had my sister when she was 17. Our mom is the middle child of a total of 5 sisters. She was born in 1964. She had my sister to a man that I know absolutely nothing about, since she never talked about it. According to my sister, she also never knew who her father was till she was a teenager, when our mom finally agreed to let her meet him once.

When our mom was 20 she meet my dad, who was in his 40s. After that, my sister was raised by our grandparents and my mom pretty much forgot about her. I was born in 1998. All my life I was told that they were married but insisted on not having children until my dad's son died in 1996. But turns out that in reality, they got married a few months after I was born. I know this only because I saw they marriage certificate during the divorce lawsuit.

My sister and I never lived together, since when I was learning to walk, she was starting university in the capital of our country, years later we used to visit her once or twice a year until my sister moved to the US with my nephew and niece.

When I was 8 to 10, my parents had a terrible separation. My dad cheated on my mom and she went crazy and my dad went extremely abusive and violent. I witnessed some of that with my own eyes.

Then, they hated each other so much that couldn't even agree on divorce terms. It took them 15 YEARS to officially divorce (that's when I saw the marriage certificate, because the lawsuit was delivered to be, because they couldn't contact my mom).

Now, to get on topic. My mom is very obviously a narcisistic, since she has the entire criteria. She also made my life hell multiple times.

One of the things she does is having her own version of what is happening, and run with that version, no matter how different it is from reality. Like the many times I rebeled in my early 20s, was because I was doing drugs, got into a cult, got brainwashed, and was having gay sex, according to her. No, I was just having my university partying phase. The only thing she was right about it was me having gay sex, but not the way she was thinking and not with the people she was thinking, I was still closeted. And her concern wasn't me having gay sex, was more like "hanging out with those f***ts who are maybe fucking your ass". She always makes wild assumptions about people, mostly when she don't like them.

During university I was severely depressed and thinking about dropping out, but I found an online university that had my career and I could continue there. I told my mom about it and she went BALLISTIC, assaulting me physically even, and I hit her back, then she restrained me, because she didn't want me to study in an university for "bums and lowlives" according to her. This fight was so bad that I was thinking about killing myself that week, but I didn't. However, years after I dropped out, she asked "Why didn't you find a way to study online" then I remind her of this incident, but she says "that never happened, what are you talking about?".

She also wanted me to graduate from law school to "become her lawyer in her divorce" agaisn't my dad.

She also used to trashtalk my dad A LOT when I was a kid, almost daily. I was constantly told that if I didn't succeed, I would be a bum like my dad (my dad is a successful lawyer).

She has a hard time maintaining friendships, because everybody is "stupid, inefficient, irresponsible" according to her so she gets tired of everyone. I am also irresponsible and inefficient according to her. I'm also super smart or slow according to who she is talking to, if is literally everyone else, I'm super smart and a gifted kid, if she is mad at me, I'm stupid and slow.

I got an autistic diagnostic as an adult, when I asked people on my family, they told me that they knew and told my mom to try get me in a special environment, but she refused to do that and told everyone to not dare talk about my autism.

When I told her about my diagnostic, she said "but you knew your whole life you were asperger" and I was like "NO I DIDN'T, KNOWING SOONER WOULD HAVE HELPED A LOT" She still insists that I knew my whole life.

I suffered many other forms of abuse and I'm still receiving them because I still live with her. But this has been too long already.

I don't think she might be schizophrenic. The ironic thing is that when I had what I now know are "autistic meltdown" she said I was having a schizophrenic psychosis and I should see a therapist (funny because she is very much anti therapy). I have a paternal uncle who IS schizophrenic and has dealt with it his entire life. He is a very hard case.

But yeah, the important thing here is that I don't think she ever had hallucinations, not that I know off, like seeing things, or hearing voices that aren't the usual "were you calling me name?" when I wasn't. Maybe you can give me a but more of perspective. IDK if what my sister said is true, but I hope I can get some perspective. if it is, she might have been diagnosed in the 70s or 80s and mental health wasn't good at all at the time (my country was still doing electroshock until a few years ago).

Sorry for the long text.

TLDR: My sister said my mom is a diagnosed schizophrenic, but I don't think my mom has the signs of being one, tho I'm telling some of my history of abuse from her to know if there is something to analyze from there.

CW: Depressive thoughts of an asshole

Do you think that you are a good person? I don't. I've tried to be one for a long time, act like one to those close to me. But I just don't think it will ever happen.

Some context: I'm a young person living in the Western world. My family are upper-middle class, and loving and supportive of me. I was raised with a strong moral compass, particularly about social issues. As I've grown, I've become more and more aware of the way that I live. My socio-economic circumstances mean that I'm probably in the top 10% of the world's population, where the biggest polluters are.

To explain my problem with this, I'll put it in simple words: the climate crisis kills people. And so, by contributing to it, I am a murderer. You can argue this point all you like. That its a bigger issue than me, that my own emissions are only a fraction of those of the top 1%. But just because someone else has hurt people more doesn't mean that I haven't hurt people. One of the scariest parts of this is that it means, wherever I go, the people around me are most likely murders by my own definition. My peers, mentors, neighbors. But they don't know. They don't think about the fact that they have contributed to people's deaths. Ignorance is bliss.

All I want to do is help people. That's what I want to do with my life: reduce pain and suffering. I'm thinking of going into medicine. But I wake up every morning and go to bed every night with the knowledge that I am doing the opposite. I try to do a little bit: eat less meat, don't fly, buy less clothes. While I drive places and eat food shipped from far away, watch other's do things without objection. And the little I also isn't quite genuine, sometimes more motivated by the fear of the guilt I'll feel if I do not do it.

I'm going to be real: I'm so scared. I don't know how much longer I can keep doing this. There's a line from some song "You've got to live with the pain or start feeling nothing at all". What happens on the day that I start feeling nothing? I've had them before. I think the scariest thought of them all is that I become a mindless consumer, working 9-to-5 in an office job. And when the headlines show the deaths from the latest storm or heatwave, I can point and say: "I helped with that". Yours faithfully, A fellow stranger

P. S. Thanks so much for reading my deranged rant of self pity, and I hope you have a wonderful day P. P. S. If you have any interesting thoughts, it would be much appreciated it you would share them