!pansystellar@lemmy.ca
Project Pansystellar will create a documented system, currently referred to as Pansystellar, which will guide a person's thoughts and behavior to solve some foundational problems related to willpower and social connections. Simplicity and concreteness are being ambitiously pursued.
It involves:
The origin of Project Pansystellar is my own experience and a desire to harness its intellectual potential by sharing my mindset and gained wisdom in a way that allows anyone to replicate it. I now also want to address problems that are not part of my own experience and to continue the evolution of my mindset.
!pansystellar
@lemmy.cahttps://www.dullbananas.com/pansystellar-prerelease/
https://lemmy.ca/c/personal_storytelling_practice
I just realized that a lot of my personal improvement in understanding the formation of romantic relationships can be described as discerning the boundary between what's common and what social norms require. When there were too many things that are in the common category but were not known by me to be in it, I could not always be myself, and I had a narrow view of the acceptable paths I could take (which was especially bad in my situation with girl 4, in which none of the truly socially acceptable paths (including abandoning the situation) were part of what I thought I could do).
https://codeberg.org/dullbananas/pansystellar/compare/v1.0.0-alpha.1...v1.0.0-alpha.2
pansystellar
Shortly before we left, we did performances that we previously prepared in groups. Girl 7 is one of the girls I mostly thought about before, and she was in another group that was doing a song parody. Anticipation started building up when I saw her with one of the microphones in the beginning. When she sang her part, I was very delighted by her voice. Later, I told her that she sounded so beautiful. She thanked me, smiled, and overall had a reaction that I like so much. I should have tried to have a conversation with her (e.g. asking if she sings a lot), but I didn't think of doing that. This shows the importance of considering the possibility of conversation potential in every single interaction, so Pansystellar will teach that and also list simple ways of continuing a conversation so it can be done fast enough even before the whole thing becomes habitual.
After we returned to ASU, me and my dad were walking to the car to go home, and it was in front of a building, and I saw no one other than girl 7 in front of the building, and she appeared to be waiting to be picked up. After I put my stuff in the back of the car, I immediately went in the car, and now I think I should have first ran to the girl and asked if she wanted my number. In addition to the crush prediction concept I will describe next, faster recognition of the possibility that it was my last chance would have helped.
Later that day, I started to have crush toward her. (I said it that way because I realized that saying "a crush on" instead of something that matches how other feelings are communicated could be a brainwashing factor.) That evening, girl 7 was the only life I saw at E2 that I thought about more than the bathroom rodent.
The next day (today), I noticed patterns in what happens before I start to have crush. The main one is a girl visibly feeling very good after I say something to her, which is what happened with girl 7 and multiple other girls in the past. Another one is me sensing dominance in a girl (this indicator seems to be mild). Then I realized that this knowledge could be used to predict crush before I have it, and that I could kinda act on predicted crush instead of only present crush. This results in a new category of speed, especially for the build-up of courage and fear of regret, and for decisions of who to interact with. It can also create a less foggy view of desires and emotional reactions. And the concept of acting on future crush means working around the constraint of time itself, which is a very marketable feature of Pansystellar 😂
Another thing, not about this girl in particular: I realized very late that people at E2 would be likely to enjoy and understand my youtube short about Joe Biden saying we're "created by the Go you know the you know the thing" because the referenced programming language Go is more likely to be familiar. I could have gone to someone (maybe someone whose name tag indicates a computer science related major) and showed them this, instead of only showing people my less niche stuff. Pansystellar should encourage people to avoid forgetting how much shared interest is around them.
Update: the first wave of crush toward her (currently the only one) lasted less than 3 days
It's possible that after being told that girl 3 (the "McDonald's girl") had a boyfriend, I forgot that my overall interaction with her was good by itself, not just as a step to a goal. This could be a contributing factor to my feeling of shame.
Previous attempts to describe things about the mindset shift (dates of notes are for the last edit, and names are redacted):
decide to seek platonic friendship with girls almost for its own sake
I used to have a tendency to have excess focus on one girl, taking the next step in pursuing her, etc. I was afraid of not maintaining that focus enough. This kind of habit actually slowed me down and was bad for me.
To be clear, if you have a crush on someone and you are afraid of saying hi to them, focusing a lot on doing it is a good thing. You are more likely to focus too little, rather than too much, when fighting against shyness.
Thinking about the entire path to having a girlfriend and ultimately to marriage is useful for maintaining courage, but not for much else. Instead of thinking about how the details of what you do affects the bigger picture, just try to make the present moment good. This can make you more free and make your personality more visible.
I suggest that all of you should try to deeply know many people, make your whole personality seen by many people, and focus on making the present moment good.
This is part of a change to myself I decided to make a week ago. I'm still working on an explanation of the whole thing, but I wanted you to be able to follow some of my advice in the last few days of the school year.
This is the main idea of the change I mentioned a few days ago: in my journey towards marriage, the next big step for me to work towards is me and a girl's personalities and values fitting together in a very good and visible way.
What I said in the other text (know, be known, focus on present) is a requirement for this, and it replaces my cage-like tendency to prematurely try making up my mind and to have exclusive focus on one girl that spans a large amount of interactions. Also, it's a good mindset for all social interactions, which means it helps with more than just getting a girlfriend (in fact it's probably the lore behind me throwing a Kit Kat at _ and someone else). The exciting part is that it's one mindset for everything, which means the involved habits can be used and developed in all social situations, and I can get far in something without even thinking of it as platonic or not platonic.
I am keeping the same principles of ambition. The difference is that the way in which I apply them will be less confined.
I am excited about what this mindset makes possible for both you and me. That's why I worked hard to identify things in my subconscious and explain everything with enough clarity to properly guide you. Don't waste the potential.
It's hard to believe I figured this out only 3 months after I was only starting to be brave enough to say hi to whoever I have a crush on.
Muh freedom
To be clear, making the present moment good doesn't mean staying in or near your comfort zone
realize how to explain the concept of romantic/platonic not being a thing most of the time in my new mindset: the full potential of the present moment must be accepted, and whether or not it's romantic is almost never for me to decide
Be yourself: pursue your vision of fun and strength, not of comfort
Pursuing girls, becoming confident and then less focused on one girl, [is] like plant needing to move to bigger pot
Be infinitely patient
A few hours ago, I might have nailed it.
There are 2 relevant categories of human behavior. Here's a description from ChatGPT:
Goal-Directed Activities: These are actions undertaken with a clear, specific objective or outcome in mind. They are purpose-driven, often involving planning and effort to achieve a desired end state. Examples include working on a project, studying for an exam, or saving money for a purchase. This concept is widely discussed in psychology, especially within the context of motivation and goal-setting theory.
Experiential Activities or Intrinsically Motivated Activities: These activities are pursued primarily for the experience itself rather than for any external reward or end goal. They are often done for enjoyment, relaxation, or personal satisfaction, and are motivated by intrinsic rewards such as pleasure, curiosity, or a sense of connection. Examples include socializing, listening to music, or engaging in a hobby. This concept is central to theories of intrinsic motivation and flow in psychology.
In philosophy, similar distinctions can be found in discussions about "means and ends" or "instrumental and intrinsic values." Activities with a specific goal are often seen as instrumental, serving as a means to an end, while activities enjoyed for their own sake embody intrinsic values.
::: spoiler Prompt
There are at least 2 categories of activities:
* Activities done with a clear, well-known goal. Ex: driving to a specific location, doing homework, implementing a software idea, sometimes flirting * Activities done to make the present moment good, often out of habit. Ex: normal socialization, watching TV, going to a concert
What is this existing concept in psychology or philosophy called? :::
Doing an intrinsically motivated activity is like grabbing balls out of a bucket and not seeing what you're grabbing until it's out of the bucket. The results (possibly some causing others) of the activity are represented by the balls.
My social behavior before the mindset shift can mostly be described as doing these at different times, if I remember correctly:
✨ After the mindset shift:
ChatGPT claims that George Levinger is relevant to this. Tangent: the Wikipedia article mentions this concept, which might be useful to include in the Pansystellar Architecture:
As two partners become increasingly interdependent and concerned with each other, their mutual involvement is pictured by a growing intersection between two circles or mutual "life spaces."
::: spoiler Prompt
For pursuing marriage, there should be this intrinsically motivated activity:
* Social interactions
And these goal-directed activities:
* Some things that affect who one interacts with
* Analyzing observations about people and the results of social interactionsWho originally taught this concept? :::
::: spoiler Response (accuracy not verified)
The concept you're referring to aligns closely with the ideas presented by George Levinger, a social psychologist known for his work on interpersonal relationships, including romantic relationships and marriage. He emphasized the importance of social interactions and the analysis of these interactions in forming and maintaining relationships.
Levinger's model of relationship development includes stages such as acquaintance, buildup, continuation, deterioration, and ending. In the initial stages, social interactions and the context of these interactions (such as shared environments or activities) are crucial in determining who individuals meet and interact with. Additionally, analyzing observations about these interactions helps individuals make decisions about pursuing a deeper relationship.
The principles you mentioned resonate with Levinger's ideas, particularly the emphasis on social interactions and analytical observations in the context of forming relationships. :::
Goal-directed interactions might still be needed for people who are still very shy. A fire or engine start analogy might be used for this.
For a little over a year, I've only been maintaining a log of events in my life. Yesterday, I started another log for times when I have a mental model of the future, especially the progression of interpersonal situations. This might make it easier to understand past mistakes and know exactly why I'm confused by present situations.
I highly suspect that not starting this sooner is why it's taking a while for me to fully analyze and write what the heck was I thinking in my situation with girl 4.