https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/youre-a-cyclist-who-was-just-struck-by-a-car-driver-heres-why-it-was-your-fault
You were riding during rush hour. Why were you riding then? There are way too many cars on the road. If you were commuting, you should have contact...
https://www.theonion.com/cop-plays-dead-to-get-out-of-confronting-school-shooter-1850713571
SCOTTS VALLEY, CA—Relying on his training in the heat of the moment, local police officer Victor Gerard reportedly played dead Thursday to get out of confronting an active school shooter. “You all go ahead—I’m dying,” Gerard said when he was selected to be part of a small team of armed cops that would enter the…
https://www.theonion.com/poll-finds-ron-desantis-candidate-voters-could-most-ima-1850687509
WASHINGTON—According to a poll released Tuesday by the Pew Research Center, 83% of voters think of Ron DeSantis as the presidential candidate they could most imagine drinking a beer alone. “We surveyed over a thousand likely voters and found that out of every Republican seeking the nomination, Gov. DeSantis is the one…
https://www.theonion.com/texas-agrees-to-humanely-stun-migrants-before-drowning-1850670735
AUSTIN, TX—Following criticism for placing buoys and razor wire along the Rio Grande in a violation of international law, Texas Gov. Greg Abbott announced Monday that, going forward, he would order his state troopers to humanely stun migrants before drowning them. “In an effort to make their deaths at our hands as…
https://thehardtimes.net/culture/man-noticing-influx-of-goldendoodles-in-neighborhood-starts-preparing-for-rent-increase/
Local man Michael Korey spent the last couple of days frantically searching for a second job after seeing multiple Goldendoodles around his neighborhood.
https://www.theonion.com/harvard-admits-first-white-student-1850591962
CAMBRIDGE, MA—In the wake of the 6-3 Supreme Court decision ending affirmative action, Harvard University announced Thursday that they would admit their first white student. “After nearly four centuries in existence, we are finally able to leave behind our woeful legacy of discrimination and accept our first student…
https://www.theonion.com/oceangate-announces-submersible-debris-still-safe-to-ri-1850577131
EVERETT, WA—Reassuring investors and the general public following the widely reported implosion that took the lives of five passengers last week, OceanGate announced Monday that the debris of its Titan submersible was still safe to ride in. “We’re proud to introduce yet another revolution in the design of deep-sea…
https://www.theonion.com/trump-denies-storing-documents-in-bathroom-just-becau-1850534604
PALM BEACH, FL—Insisting that it was just another example of the mainstream media lying directly to Americans, former President Donald Trump denied storing documents in his bathroom at Mar-a-Lago Tuesday, stressing that just because a room has a toilet, that doesn’t make it a bathroom. “On the BIASED, DECREPIT CNN,…
https://www.theonion.com/florida-liberal-pledges-to-burn-more-books-by-women-1850528804
TAMPA, FL—Admitting that he could broaden his horizons and set a better example, local Florida liberal Kenneth Banks reportedly pledged Tuesday to burn more books by women. “Overall, people—especially liberals—need to make a conscious effort to burn more books by women,” said Banks, claiming there was a long history…
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