@BountifulEggnog
@hexbear.netI am a lazy failure who can't do anything. Basic shit I consistently just... don't do. Its embarrassing. I don't even want to list all of it. I have hobby stuff I've wanted to for years that I've just never gotten set up. Homework? More like I'm not fucking doing that. I've been wanting to take steps for months to get myself on hormones and get clothes but have I done them? No? Of course not, because I'm fucking lazy. All I do is rot. Its been this way for a long time, I can't even remember when the last time I didn't struggle with this. And it doesn't feel like its getting better. If it really is my autism I'm not sure how it ever can get better.
I'll get this out of the way at the start, there's a good chance its just other things I'm dealing with. I'm autistic, and have semi recently figured out I'm trans. Those changes have made me a little less stable feeling. CW for the rest of this post for talking about many sad things, although I do not feel sad right now. ::: spoiler self harm, suicide, negativity, drug use, eating, etc Lately I have been going from extremely happy to extremely sad, or extremely sad to very happy. As an example, last night I didn't care anymore and wanted to kill myself. Today I am on a cloud and genuinely very happy. Nothing materially changed about my situation, no one talked me down, nothing. I smoked a bit of weed, felt better but still like I'd kill myself if I could, and now (the next day) I'm doing great.
I struggled with depression for a while as a teen. I was self harming (something I have sadly gotten back into), hopeless, all the things. Meds never helped, ketamine didn't help, ECT seemed to help? But the doctor thought I wasn't reporting my symptoms normally or whatever so I never was able to follow up and continue. He felt like it was some personality issue (I'm diagnosed with avpd, but now I feel autism + being trans explains it much better).
But these swings happen a lot. I've made some very impulsive purchases while feeling good and just hoped it would work itself out. But is that because I broke from my depression or because I was some flavor of manic? I think when I have one of my swings people are surprised how fast it is. Just like, the way they tend to respond ("oh I'm glad you're feeling a little better" but like no, I feel completely fine now, on my way to feeling great.)
The swings usually last hours or days, although like I mentioned when I was a teen I was very depressed for a while with basically no ups. I feel like I usually have a bad few days with some random ups, and then a few good days with some random downs (like once a day for a couple hours).
I worry the lows will kill me one day. I get intensely depressed, suicidal, and don't care about my life. If I had access to a gun I would kill myself with it, when I feel like that. Now though, that I'm feeling good? I feel hopeful, full of life and energy, like dying is the last thing I want to happen to me. And especially if things actually don't look good in life and I don't bounce back quickly... I just would.
But I'm not sure if I want to take bipolar medication either. I don't want to feel numb. This feeling of happiness is amazing, it fills me, I just want it to stay around. If my issue isn't bipolar, this could be my normal. But obviously if it is bipolar or something like it... then its not normal and the lows won't lift themselves.
I guess I'm just looking for opinions, my current thought is to keep pushing on transitioning and see if the lows clear up on their own. I honestly have no idea if what I'm describing is normal emotional changes or not. The lows I'm pretty sure are not normal, because they do get bad enough I'll self harm or not eat for a day. Anything to avoid them. :::
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UZDiGooFs54
Aproveite vídeos e músicas que você ama, envie e compartilhe conteúdo original com amigos, parentes e o mundo no YouTube.
https://blog.character.ai/optimizing-ai-inference-at-character-ai/
At Character.AI, we're building toward AGI. In that future state, large language models (LLMs) will enhance daily life, providing business productivity and entertainment and helping people with everything from education to coaching, support, brainstorming, creative writing and more. To make that a reality globally, it's critical to achieve highly
bit of a warning but this is a very sad, pathetic and hopeless post. If you're easily made sad you might wanna sit this one out.
avpd is my own personal hell. Its destroying/destroyed my life. I have 2 "friends" I hardly talk to. Dropped out of college. No real prospects. I was born privileged and have just wasted it. I'm a failure. A husk of a person. I've never been on a single date. I'm just sitting here spinning my wheels. And the wheels aren't really spinning anymore. I'm so desperately lonely, but I just... can't. I don't even know how I'd meet people, if I could step out. I'm so lonely, and sad and FUCK being a social creature. What a cruel joke. A social creature that has a fucking personality disorder so they avoid socializing. WHAT THE FUCK. And this shit's permanent. Its who I am. Sure I can "cope" better but I DON'T WANT TO FUCKING COPE I WANT TO BE NORMAL WTF. I WANT TO BE LOVED AND LOVE PEOPLE AND I JUST CAN'T. ITS TOO DAMN HARD.
::: spoiler suicide I just wish I could die. I can't take this. I'm such a waste. Being alive is too painful as an anti social, social being. :::
https://steamdb.info/sub/137730/history/?changeid=23416542
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F_HOrMmWoMA
Frank in a hat! https://www.makeship.com/products/frank-the-snake-longboi-2-0Extra vids for Floaties! https://www.floatplane.com/channel/TheTrashNetwork/home...