::: spoiler dreams, nightmares, crushes, and other blog posting I’ve had a really weird and emotional start to my day today
My anti anxiety and anti depression meds have been really messing with my sleep, I can only sleep for like 2-3 hours at a time and when I do sleep I get really weird dreams
In the dream I woke up from like ~30ish mins ago I was back in my childhood home, laying in my bunk bed, staring at the ceiling. I get the need to use the restroom so I get up, climb down the ladder, and go to the bathroom. My dad’s there and he tells me that there’s a roach in there and to use the master bathroom. The roach then comes basically right for me and I run off yelling to the other bathroom. I sit down on the toilet and notice that there’s this huge blood clot in my underwear and my I’m covered in blood stains from the waist down. There’s also a small hole in that area right above the genitals but below the gut where water is leaking out. At first it’s slow, but over the course of like 10 seconds it goes from a trickle to a flood, and the water turns from clear to pink to red. As I’m bleeding profusely I fall off the toilet and start crawling away for help. I scream, not yell but like banshee scream, for help. But there’s no one to help, and I wake up
I had another dream prior to that one that was an entirely different vibe. I was hanging out with a friend of mine from college, let’s just call her K, and we were in class together just laughing and smiling and chatting. Oddly enough this one effected me emotionally wayyyyyy more than the nightmare
K and I met about 8 months ago at the start of the spring semester and almost immediately I was really captivated by her. She basically one of the only people I’ve met irl that had gone completely out of their way to talk to me. We were in the same lab section and she came up to me to ask to be lab partners, then on like the 3rd lab she asked me what lecture section I was in and after finding out that we were in the same one she started sitting next to me everyday. Then after that we started walking and chatting together on our way to our next classes
We’ve hung out after the semester once and with the exception of the end it was one of the funniest things I’ve ever done. We went to a museum, the got lunch, then went thrift shopping. All of it was amazing, except for the thrifting because I got really dysphoric that nothing fit me, but she was really kind about it. But notably she’s like one of two people irl in my entire life that had asked me to hang out, not the other way around. We’re going to another museum at the end of the month and I’m so fucking excited
I think I really love her. I’ve had crushes on people before but nothing this intense and nothing that’s lasted for so long
She’s a cis lesbian and idk how she would feel about dating a trans woman. I’m terrified that I’m mistaking her kindness for something else, I’m terrified that if I do tell her then she won’t want to spend time together anymore, I don’t really know what to do. I’ve been crying all morning thinking about this
I’m probably posting cringe but it felt good to type this all out :::
i'm upset and frustrated this morning
but the fact that i'm angry rather than being depressed/apathetic is good. feeling a whole new range of emotions from my wellbutrin
got bait and switched out of a job
they emailed me at like 5am this morning saying i was moving forwards with hiring and that i just had to fill out some online questions before scheduling an interview. i woke up at 10am, saw the email, filled out the questions, and then got told the position was already filled
job hunting suuuuuuuuuuuuucks. i've applied to more places than i can count and have only heard back from 4, 3 nos and now this bs
anyway once i finally do end up getting a job i think i'm going to use part of my first paycheck on getting my ears pierced
My anxieties are so inaccurate I feel like they influence the future
same, my brain will invent things out of whole cloth to guilt and worry me over, admitting that none of that is true is hard
::: spoiler spoiler the idea that there is an infallible truth about everything that one can find is almost definitely a byproduct of how i was raised, my parents were ultra-religious christians. i guess i'm still dealing with those brainworms years after deconverting :::
the other day i had that major breakthrough in overcoming my internalized transphobia and seeing myself as a woman and something really weird has happened in the days after: i look physically different. i've always had a poor sense of self image and tried to avoid looking in mirrors whenever possible, but still this was kind of shocking, like i just look like a different person. i'm really happy about it, but it still was kind of unnerving
::: spoiler ramble about perception when i was a teenager and a young adult i always had a fear of psychedelics or any other substance that could alter your perception and cause hallucinations, which i could never quite explain. but i think i get it now, i was so scared at the idea that my perception of the world could be false, that i could see or hear something other than what actually happened. the idea that i could trust my perception of the world gave me a lot of comfort and i didn't want to admit that sometimes the brain messes up processing and it's possible to be wrong about what you saw
in hindsight it's a really simple and obvious idea that the brain is just sometimes wrong, but this idea that my perception always was true kind of held up my anxieties? like if my perception or conclusions about something are wrong, maybe my anxieties about something could be wrong too? admitting that an anxiety about something is wrong and that there is no reason to worry is incredibly hard, and i don't think i could have overcome this if i didn't have my meds
my perception about things has been proven to be wrong a lot recently :::
@Bat
@hexbear.net