i live with my parents right now, and i often have thoughts that they are tired of me and going to have me killed or something.
my mom tells me she loves me all the time but i always feel like theres some secret resentment that im still around.
idk i just wish i wasnt so scared all the time.
it sucks living like this
Read this next thing with the sincerity and care I intend it to be delivered with, seek mental health services.
For years I thought it was just normal to constantly be worried about things. To be worried about them to the point of finding solace in the idea that I could just kill myself if too many bad things happen.
Luckily the people around me cared about me enough to have me get some help. I have an anxiety disorder, now I have the support I need and am properly managing it and feel so much better.
It’s hard, when you are feeling this way it is hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I was told for years to do something about it, but that’s for crazy people, I only need help if there’s really a problem but I’m normal, I don’t have problems. All that time wasted because I didn’t want to admit I needed help.
Everyone’s path is different, everyone’s results are different, but there are helpers out there. You might get a lot of advice, well meaning and even helpful advice, but the best thing you can do is talk to a professional.
Take care
At least what worked for me was a simple thought exercise.
If what I’m experiencing is so unbearable I’d rather be dead, what have I got to lose trying to get some help. If it doesn’t work I can still kill myself, it’s not like trying to get help and failing would make me immortal.
Silly as it sounds, when I thought about it this way the idea of getting help didn’t seem so scary anymore.
I can't even imagine. Please reach out to a mental health professional. Tell people who you should be able to trust on paper, even if you actually can't right now.
It was hard for me to open up about my sadness since I had (on paper) nothing to be sad about. But there is no reasoning away depression. And it was impossible to fight alone, even if getting help seemed humiliating (it wasn't), a whole lot of effort (it kinda was since I had no energy for anything) and like admitting defeat (because it's only a victory if won alone or some bs like that), once I realised I had to I took on a "stick to the facts" mindset and told others. Being mentally ill is like other illnesses, it's exhausting and the road to recovery is a chore with no inherent rewards and often it feels like one step forward but two steps back. I kept telling myself there is light at the end of the tunnel but the tunnel is bent so I can't see right now, which is corny as hell but turns out it was true. I got better because a lot of people put effort into it.
I hope you get the care you need.