I decided to stop making excuses a few years ago and just say when I’m not feeling socially up to it or there are too many people. Positive reactions literally across the board, haven’t had a single weird conversation. I’d recommend it.
I’ve also found honesty to be the best way, with a few exceptions, like.. because of my outward appearance and things thus assumed, a lot of people take my honesty -very- personally when really it has nothing to do with them.
But.. that’s a really good reason for me to get them out of my life asap, so it kinda still works out.
Thank you. This is such a breath of fresh air. In all cases I prefer a simple answer, when organising an event with multiple people where I want to get ideas on numbers for planning.
• Yes - great! See you there
• No (with or without a reason) - fantastic! We've all got our own stuff going on or reasons why we don't want to go!
• Maybe, with a reason why, or when you would be able to give an answer - cool!
• Maybe, with no further explanation - ugh. I'll just assume you're not coming and don't care.
Maybe with no explanation is the cowards way out. Especially when "no sorry, I'm busy!" is the standard white lie.
"No because I don't want to (don't feel socially up to it)" is the hero's response and I salute you 🫡
That's just insecure communication. Nothing to do with beeing introverted.
In most situations it's easier to clearly and honestly communicate ones needs. People that take offense to confident and honest communication should be avoided anyway.
I have (had) a few friends who communicate like this and its just annoying and exhausting. I am never planning anything again with them involved because they cannot state if they actually will or want to come.
I can't stand when people do this. It's beyond frustrating when I've put effort into a relationship and just get this in return. Like I would literally drop everything for you at a moment's notice and you can't even commit to meeting up next week or have the decency to be honest with me so I don't waste my time preparing for you and can make other plans.
What the actual fuck, like am I doing something wrong or did it become okay at some point to treat your friends like this?? Cause it makes me feel like shit when it happens and it happens way too often.
Did you talk to them about how it makes you feel? I would suggest doing that with the caviate that you should stay with your feelings and not be accusatory. Even though I know it is hard to do.
I feel this so hard. I fucking see you. I'm very much a extrovert. I enjoy going out and doing things with people MUCH more than I do being at home. I get hype when I get to plan something, whether that's at my house for a D&D session or out and about around town (or even vacations). I'm also a "more the merrier type", which means everyone is invited and I'll genuinely talk to you/make sure no one is left out. I just like people.
But after a certain amount of times being stood-up/flaked on in the final hours, I stop with the invites. I stop asking for people's opinions on if they want to do things with me. I stop planning. And I just kinda disconnect from people.
I've had introverted coworkers and associates tell me "I like to be invited, I just don't always like to go. But I want to be included."
But bruh, it hurts my feelings too when I get so excited to hang with everyone and you bail regularly. Clearly at some point I have to accept that I'm just not your cup of tea, and you're prioritizing other things. That's okay, but it doesn't mean I have to accept continuously being knocked down by you because of it.
Imma take a stab in the dark and say that you're your friend groups "planner" friend as well. It's really fucking frustrating to try and plan something as simple as a dinner that requires reservations, and people are like "Um. Uh. Maybe I'll come, idk", up until the last minute. Or even a headcount for food being served at your house.
Actual translation: remind me about it again close enough to the date for me to predict what my energy level will be on the day, then I'll definitely know if I want to go or not.
It fits pretty well for people who are really bad at sex. I mean... maybe it does... who knows? Definitely not me.
I feel like the key is consistency and not confusing the message
This is me, except these are all different levels of small chance I might want to go when the time comes. If it falls through or there's not a slot for me at that point I won't be offended because I didn't commit, and once I commit I follow through
Maybe it's a source of friction with some people, but I'm not big on planning. It's just a constant weight around my neck, even if I want to go and know I'll enjoy it
I've got three weddings this year, and the first has been weighing on me since the Xmas before last (it's at the end of the summer), the second since I heard about the engagement this Xmas and started dreading immediately, and the last is this winter and had me locking up for days. And these are all ones I said yes to immediately, but still every time someone brings them up my heart races
If your friends are actually being honest with you about their feelings, don't plan around them. Give them a casual heads up, and another one when they need to make a decision and start planning.
If they say "I'll think about it" when they mean "I want to keep my options open, I might get FOMO if y'all do something without me", let them scramble to catch up... Draw a clear boundary that sucks less for everyone
If they actually mean it how I do, the relief when it comes down to the last minute to act and someone says "you don't have to go, it's totally fine, we'll hang out when we get back" is so real. It makes me want to meet them halfway, because if I know it's not a let down to back out on a warmer "ask me in a couple weeks", the stress goes down.
I get to think about it stress free for a bit and sit with the idea. I get to decide how much I want to go vs how much I don't want to do the things necessary to go