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Knowing my husband's location was great. Then, I caught him in a lie and became obsessed with checking it constantly.

https://web.archive.org/web/20240331043250/https://www.businessinsider.com/see-husband-location-tracking-obsession-divorce-2024-3?international=true&r=US&IR=T

I became obsessed with tracking my then-husband's location after I caught him in a small lie. When we got divorced, not seeing where he was was hard.

Uhhh, what the fuck?

67 comments

VHS

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business insider is a great place to find unhinged screeds

davel

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Ohh… so it’s not about getting insider information on businesses but about getting into other people’s business. Got it.

Hurvitz

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idk, this one doesn't seem that unhinged in the grand scheme of things. Like obviously the behavior was unacceptable, but I think its a position many pretty reasonable people could find themselves in.

Palacegalleryratio

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Nah this is unhinged, and deeply controlling behaviour. If someone is checking your location constantly and giving you grief for every difference in reported vs actual location, then you’re forced to give full account of your whereabouts at all times and justify your destinations.

SootySootySoot

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But nobody was doing that, in this case? There was no mention of 'giving grief'.

The husband voluntarily shared his location for practical reasons, a few times she happened to see he was stopped at a bar or a fast-food place instead of work where he claimed, and that was a weird phenomenon that impacted her trust in him. She realised she was getting too obsessed looking at his location. They later divorced for entirely unrelated reasons.

This isn't really that wacky.

alexandra_kollontai

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But nobody was doing that, in this case? There was no mention of 'giving grief'.

True but this is only one side of the story

combat_brandonism

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They later divorced for entirely unrelated reasons.

eh idk that the author even claims that

SootySootySoot

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Our marriage ended not long after, its demise not caused... by the transparency offered by a shared location

Teapot

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There was no mention of 'giving grief'.

There was definitely the implication. She said he wouldn't admit to going to get fast food. That means she gave him grief over it, after catching him in the "lie"

SootySootySoot

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Maybe we have different ideas of "giving grief", but inquiring about where someone was does not amount to it in my mind.

Teapot

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I think you can read between the lines. This lady was literally tracking her husband constantly and confronting him about his whereabouts.

YearOfTheCommieDesktop

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saying this was "unhinged" and "a screed" to me implies that the whole scenario, and the writer, are both in some way unreasonable and that how she reacted was completely beyond the pale.

sharing location access, though I don't love it, has become pretty normalized.

catching your husband in an already struggling marriage in a lie would tend to make a person suspicious. you might even start keeping a closer eye out for other lies. This woman got way too invested in that, obsessed with checking it, and openly acknowledges that it was unhealthy and bad, and probably contributed to their divorce.

Bad (but relatively normal for the scenario) behavior does not an unhinged screed make

aaaaaaadjsf

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Tankiedesantski

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If I wanted to constantly be tracked by GPS and give reports on my position, I'd become a pilot. At least I get to fly a cool plane that way.

lorty

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Not long ago if you left your house you were unreachable. In fact, the only way someone was reachable was if they were home or at work and had a phone there. Imagine that, just not knowing where and how people were at all times.

YearOfTheCommieDesktop

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thinking of going back to that for myself, genuinely

PoisonIvy

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I did it for some time back in like 2011 or so; I used a dumbphone as a daily driver and only took calls on it and a landline in the place I was staying at the time. Nothing about my life got noticeably worse and instead I just read books a lot more. I did miss map navigation a lot, though, which lead to me begrudgingly going back to smartphones and 'relapsing' in a way. I don't think we need to be that intense but I think a lot of us can massively simplify our digital presence and not miss a whole lot.

edit to say that covid also honestly complicates this a ton for me personally and a lot of the more vulnerable population since I/we pretty much only exist digitally until society collectively gets our heads out of our asses about all that...but I do still think its worth thinking about what you really need and want out of it. Even in my case I can and do unplug frequently.

YearOfTheCommieDesktop

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yeah I'm definitely on this trajectory. switched to a linux phone that can't really use regular apps without a big hassle, and have thought many times about going flip phone, or occasionally no phone. I think if people would actually call me I'd be fine with no phone/only a landline. Also day to day I end up just using my laptop more for things like browsing here and watching youtube... and I can't/wouldnt ditch the laptop because of work and hobbies and such

Wheaties

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Magnetic Ink smartphone

Keep the applications you want, in exchange for using the thing being slightly more of a pain in the ass so you use it less overall. And you can read it clearly in daylight, which is nice

aaaaaaadjsf

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Hisense sells e-ink android smartphones now. So yes it exists.

PoisonIvy

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I’ve never heard of this before but I like the idea. My ebook reader is e-ink and it rules.

Wheaties

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Last I checked, nobody sells them domestically in the US, but you can import one easily. The Hisense ones take SIM cards, and the interface is really well setup. No google, though. You have to use web-downloaded APKs to scrape other APKs from the play store. Most apps don't need it to function, thankfully.

YearOfTheCommieDesktop

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I already switched to a linux phone. things are plenty of a pain in the ass, I'm just fantasizing about getting rid of it entirely. Not even a dumb phone

e-ink phone is also a cool idea though if only for the point of being more readable out and about in the world and kinder on my eyes at night

Wheaties

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Linux phone sounds finicky as hell, honestly. I don't mind it for the desktop, but that's cus I had to learn to be careful about only running updates when I feel like risking personal tech support

YearOfTheCommieDesktop

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Oh it is, I'm just a masochist or something. I like it.

Tankiedesantski

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When I leave the house I just mute my phone and put it in my pocket - no vibration, no ringing. I think it works pretty well personally. Depending on your personality, it might also work for you, at least as an initial step.

YearOfTheCommieDesktop

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I'm already 90% of the way there, I don't get rings, or even push notifications, for most messages, just calls and SMS (and I don't use SMS for anything on that number). I just want to go further and eliminate the expectation that I'll be reachable by simply not carrying a phone. But it won't eliminate it, the actual problem is social :(

PoisonIvy

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I was a kid in these times. Genuinely miss it!

MemesAreTheory

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yells-at-cloud

SacredExcrement

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The obsession with constant contact and the Internet of things has been a complete disaster, cmv

aaaaaaadjsf

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I'm glad he divorced his paranoid stalker of a wife. He just wanted to relax and have a beer after work at the brewery without telling his wife once, and she turned it into all this nonsense. Then she stalked his location constantly and made a big deal about him getting fast food without telling her once. Imagine being trapped in a marriage with such a controlling wife that you can't even go to McDonalds or have a beer after work without them freaking out. Nightmare scenario.

EmmaGoldman

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I think a deeper, core issue is being ignored. Why did he feel the need to lie to your partner about what he was doing? Why was he unable or unwilling to tell her that he's just having a beer? Is the issue that she would unfairly demand he not do this? Or is there some legitimate reason she might object? Either of these is indicative of a need to communicate about an issue.

In a healthy relationship, you should not only feel free to do what you want, you should also feel comfortable communicating these things with your partner. If you want to do something that would make your partner flip out, either there's something wrong with your desire or your partner's reaction and you need to talk about it.

Tankiedesantski

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Everything you said makes sense, but at the same time you can acknowledge that you need to communicate better without having the conversation right then and there. Both times the dude "transgressed" he was coming home from work. Probably tired, maybe had a bad day, I can see why he didn't want to negotiate beer or McDonalds with his wife right then and there.

Especially understandable is the beer. She admits that they had been having difficulties at home and maybe just needed some time alone to think. She knew where he was and texted him anyway.

EmmaGoldman

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Personally, I would've already had that conversation pretty much as soon as I saw the problem, before even getting to the point where you're stopping off at McDonald's or the bar. It's pretty unlikely that the first time it occurs to you that your partner would be mad is when you're opening the door to the McDonald's.

Communicate early, communicate often.

JustSo

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Foucault must be bussin in his grave.

HexBroke

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quandary_enjoyer

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This is everyone in the suburbs. My relatives send their kids to a summer camp where the main draw is a daily proof of life and frequent check ins and having an app to monitor the kids. Look, I'm all for safety (no really I am, more on this later), but it really seems to be more about the social media aspect of it, and removing any chance for kids to disconnect from parents socially even temporarily.

Tunnelvision

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I never know how to feel about it when it comes to kids because although that sounds okay in some ways with best case scenario being little benefit and worst case scenario being your kid is dead or abused like wtf you can’t trust anyone with your kids really. Like a camp where they specifically don’t want/ let kids use their phones or computers or whatever? Sorry that sounds like camp rape to me idk

Moonworm

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It's important to allow kids a space where they can escape existing in constant relation to their parents and under observation by them and just fuckin explore and experiment with socializing and identity. Summer camps are really good for this.

Tunnelvision

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I know, but summer camps are not the only way to do that. Mostly kids just want to have their interests be supported by their parents without too much prying in my experience. Kids socialize on their own time and in their own ways. I never went to summer camp and neither did any of my friends really so we all just hung out. I do get the appeal of summer camps though and maybe my opinion would be different had I gone, but I feel like as a kid I’d rather be in the woods with my friends and a trusted chaperone than a bunch of strangers and as a parent I’d rather take my kids camping so I can keep an eye on them.

Moonworm

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It probably is something that makes sense when you've experienced it. There's a certain quality about camp as a place that's detached from the rest of your life and temporary that allows one the freedom to be themselves - or maybe more importantly, someone else - because the consequences for fucking up are inherently limited. You don't have to worry about your parents or your social status back home, no one knows about the time you peed your pants in school. Plus a lot of camps do stuff that breeds camaraderie but are unusual for normal life. Singing at mealtimes, cabins having projects to be done over the whole period and shown off, and other ways for kids to feel like they're part of a group. And this gets reinforced by the aforementioned safe space to figure yourself out. Because the consequences for oversharing or whatever are limited to the time that you're there, kids often allow themselves to be more vulnerable and talk to their peers about embarrassing or difficult subjects. In general I just think that the particular nature of a camp as separate from everything else is what makes it so valuable for youths development.

Tunnelvision

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Like I said, I see the appeal, and genuinely I do not think of myself as a helicopter parent, but the idea of giving strangers nearly unlimited access to your kid for idk I assume weeks at a time while you don’t is weird. That’s why I said I’d rather take them camping and let them run around in the woods, but be around if needed.

cecinestpasunbot

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Summer camps are usually only for a week. It’s rare kids would be there for longer than that unless they are teenagers training to be camp counselors. Lots of summer camps are also associated with existing after school programs so parents aren’t totally unfamiliar with the people running them.

Tunnelvision

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Okay, but that just seems like what I described but with extra steps? Taking your kids camping and being a trusted chaperone. Also that pretty much negates the benefit the other user described which is you get to reinvent yourself because no one knows you. Can’t really reinvent yourself when you’re surrounded by known peers. Might as well cut the middle man and just take your kids out yourself.

quandary_enjoyer

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Kids socialize on their own time and in their own ways.

Not these kids. Your other points I agree on. It's just like watching the last bricks be put on a wall lmao.

Mardoniush

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flan

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my partner and i have done this for years. Not to this unhealthy degree of course but we share location. I started doing it because they would ask for eta as i was driving home from work. It was a bit of an unpredictable commute due to long running major construction and i didnt want to text and drive so i turned my location sharing on.

On the flip side I mainly use it to find them in crowds when they wander off to go look at stuff a vendor is selling or whatever. its not super accurate but gets me close enough.

TheDoctor

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Same here. Our lives are so intertwined that keeping track of each other is just a basic courtesy, not some malicious form of control. I understand why some people may not want their life to be intertwined with another person’s that way. It’s just a matter of preference and what is negotiated with your partner(s). I’ve also gone through some rough patches where separation was very much on the table and this practice still didn’t cause any problems.

kristina

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Yeah I do similar I just use it to time it perfectly so we can eat lunch together while doing our own stuff

ksynwa

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I'm here just thinking how permanently having your GPS enabled to broadcast your location might obliterate your phone's battery

spectre

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It doesn't necessarily do that.

ksynwa

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Can you explain more? I don't doubt you since I'm speaking from a hunch but I would like to know more.

RustCat

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I have shared location on maps and it only reports back sometimes, like you might see that the last reported location is 20 minutes old or something. Also I don't think they only use GPS these days, I think its that, but also local wireless networks, and location data based on your daily habits (i.e. you go to work every day, so if we see your work wifi, you're probably at work). All of this put together doesn't really kill battery life anymore.

ksynwa

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Any idea if this is because the phone was not able to get the precise location to share? I have done this too but it was on a road trip and I didn't get good coverage at many points.

RustCat

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Assuming you aren't going hiking in some remote place where you could end up somewhere with shitty sky visibility (for GNSS satellites), it's pretty hard not to get a decent position. Even cheap GNSS receivers can get like 1.2m RMS positioning with just 1 band.

I can really only speculate, but my running theory (and I must emphasize, I am really pulling this out of my ass), is that the location updating stuff doesn't trigger while your phone isn't being used (i.e. you leave your phone in your bag all day, it doesn't do much location updating, but if you are browsing Hexbear on it all day, it updates more frequently).

The reason I think this is because I've noticed on days I've been really busy at work, my shared location doesn't seem to get updated as much (not that it matters given I'm in the same place). Honestly power settings and if apps can run in the background seems to be very inconsistent across different phones and I swear it doesn't work 90% of the time so I might just be seeing patterns that don't exist.

Zetta

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Most phones have location tracking on all the time, it isn't really a big battery brain these days.

VapeNoir

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I would simply not willingly submit myself to the panopticon

came_apart_at_Kmart

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I guess some people hear the lyrics to Every Breath You Take by The Police and think, "How ❤️❤️❤️ romantic!"

I am more of a "don't eff/date/marry your stalker" kind of person.

really excited for the next step of loving surveillance technology, like apps that slave all the nearby microphones and let your "loved ones" record and playback every word from every conversation you have throughout the day and watch you on CCTV. so you can be safe from all the extremely high crime rates and terrorism.

and they can feel safe knowing that you will never leave them without them being 3 steps ahead of you.

MineDayOff

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My partner has Nancy Drew'd me as well.

rust-darkness

TheDoctor

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This feels pretty understandable. She admits the parts that were unhealthy and explains why. The marriage ended, so obviously they both knew it wasn’t a good relationship for them. The trust wasn’t broken because of the location sharing. It provided an unhealthy outlet. That’s the point of the article.

Wheaties

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The question is, how does she incorporate this experience into future decision making? GPS isn't going away, so she'll have to learn to trust not knowing some things or this will hang over relationships to come.

sammer510

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My partner used to have us do that Life 360 location tracking stuff and I hated it. Just felt fucking wrong. I don't need to be watched and held accountable for every second of everything I do and I have zero desire to spy on my partner. This thing of wanting to know where everyone is at all times is so fucking weird to me.

RedQuestionAsker2

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What was the justification for that?

I can't really imagine any non-controlling reason for that unless they were pretending it was "for emergencies"

sammer510

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Idk it was normal for her I think. She and her parents share their locations with each other and her and some of her bffs also share their locations together so also having me in the mix was just the next logical step I guess. My family doesn't do any of that shit so for me it was like damn this is uncomfortable

kristina

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I expect my future husband to send me hourly reports on the length and girth of his hog

ultraviolet

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Straight women need to be sent to conversion therapy to make them gay

ashinadash

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Wish the straights were okay :/

kristina

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skeleton-motorcycle

Mardoniush

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Half of what makes a relationship work are the tiny lies we tell to one another.

Imagine not being able to tell someone you are totally already on the train, definitely didn't spend 3 hours curling your hair and then had to take a taxi you couldn't afford so you could show up looking impossibly good.

abc

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