The last few years after the arrival of covid, I've had a huge change of perspective about myself. I was working as an electrician for a large company. It is a male dominated industry and my place in particular had a lot of older workers. The majority of these men acted like 'men.' They made every attempt to show off their masculinity in any way possible. They would constantly one-up each other, crudely insult each other, make dick size jokes, talk about women in negative ways be it sublte or not, constant homophobia while at the same time making gay jokes with each other, belittle anyone below them (age, sex, hierarchy, apprentices, other trades), and expect others to blindly do as they say. There's probably so much more I can't even remember at the moment but that's a quick glimpse into their mindset.
I've always been a very quiet person content with observing the world and letting others chose to interact with me. I'm also very open and tend to not judge people. I'm also not someone who doesn't "look" or act like they belong in the trades. I have more of a lean body type and have a hard time gaining muscle mass. I never spoke about women in negative or sexual ways, don't own a car, didn't show off my money in material items, ummarried and childless. The amount of pressure on me to be more manly was annoying but tolerable in the beginning. Then it got old but I pushed through because I wanted an apprenticeship.
Then covid came and upended cultural norms overnight. People were told to do things for the safety of others. Part of being a 'man' is to not do what you are told (unless the boss is around!). Those who adapted to the new safety measures easily became targets. That meant I became an even bigger target. Suddenly every aspect of my life came under intense scrutiny. Riding a bicycle to work became a source of constant, daily bullying. Somehow covid reignited my marriage status and child free choices and that came under additional scrutiny by other 'men.' At one point someone kept insisting I take creatine pills in order to bulk up on muscle mass. It seemed like nothing about me was good enough for no sustantial reason at all.
As my mental health declined, my girlfriend at the time became distant and angry at me for being depressed. While she wouldn't outright say it to me, she seemed to expect me to "man up" and just deal with it. That really hurt considering she knew just how much individality and being myself was important to me. It also felt like feminism was for her and not for me as well. Suddenly she wanted me to buy a car so I can fit in and stop complaining. I also had a hard time talking about lgbt+ topics with her because her tone towards me subtly shifted. It was as if she thought I was a closeted gay. This combined with how I was treated at work was mentally devastating for me.
After reaching my lowest, I decided to be the most annoying person possible. Fortunately I didn't have to do much more since being me causes so much insecurity in people already. It also helps that I tend to appear emotionless so their words don't have an outward, immediate affect on me, even if that shit is actually crushing me internally. I did start showing more defiance towards hostile leadership by pointing out their flaws which eventually lead to me getting fired. Oh well.
Between reaching my lowest point to now, a year after being fired that I changed how I view myself and gender. Suddenly masculinity, and by extension, femininity made no fucking sense. Not that it did make much sense before but now the idea is dead to me. Besides a few more tattoos, nothing about my appearance has changed. For medical reasons, I'm still a male. I just don't care to identity as a man. While non-binary is a suitable term for myself, I still prefer to as simply a person. I feel it describes me as simple as possible. A being just like anyone else. Undivided by physical appearance, individuality or heirarchy. It feels more inclusive that way.
Maybe one day I'll adopt the non-binary term but I've always been one to use simple and vague language. Terms and labels have often created more divide than discussion from my personal experiences and I do not like unnecessary confrontation. I also just really hate labels in all forms because I can't remember the meaning of humanities' infinity growing list of labels and ideologies.