Janeway and Sisko are the second row, but Archer is just double nerd

This is so true. Kirk was a nerd that grew into being cool. Picard was a troublemaker that learned to become calm and collected.

Pike: in the kitchen making snackies for the crew

You have to admit, though, that Picard sorely lacked double axe-handle action.

And then there's Starfleet's greatest captain. He was the perfect student at the academy and got all the ladies.

And then obviously Taggart is top row to a T

River fucks but TOS was consistently horny and put Jim in the middle of it regularly.