I would have disowned him too.

He graduated to Dad.

Oh no, disowned isn't nearly far enough. Dad should have responded, "My hands are named crows because they are part of a murder."

“You may sit at the family table, but we do not grant you the rank of family member.”

Does he have a child anywhere he might be unaware of? Because that was a dad joke and a half, right there.

I would have been happy knowing that my son is already turning into a father.

His first clue they didn't like him was the fact his name's Taylor. It's a job title not a name.

Tl;Dr op's folks know what's up

Ó hogy a ménkű csapjon beléd te utolsó anyaszomorító te