Yet another reason I wear my Pride stuff is that I'm a generic looking cis white dude in a remote conservative state, so people assume I'm as bad as they are, and it keeps bigots from approaching me and confiding in me their most disturbing hot takes
I finally slapped a straight ally sticker on the back of my car. As a cis hetero male, I want LGBTQIA+ people in my community to know that they're seen and that they're safe and accepted where I'm at.
I wear a pride band on my Apple Watch nearly every day, and I am cis/het. it, like the “you’re safe with me” button on the back of my wheelchair, are signifiers that I’m a safe person if someone needs it. Also, the watchband is f’ing gorgeous and hopefully helps normalize pride wear in my small, not progressive area. It pisses of my bigoted FIL also.
I know that some people might get mad a a cis/het man wearing pride stuff, and I get it, but hopefully I’m doing a net positive action. It, as well as sometimes painting my fingernails, and having a lavender phone case, help me fight back against my internal misogyny. My internal reaction of “that’s a girly thing and I’m a man, so I can’t do it” has already reduced a significant amount.
Im also not entirely sure my sexuality is as set in stone as I used to think. But I’m old and happily married, so it’s not like I’m going to explore that part of me, but if I was young and single with this newer view on life, I could definitely see my sexuality being more fluid than it was when I was searching for a life partner.
Hopefully that all makes sense and isn’t offensive. I’ve got 30+ years of bigotry fighting against 7ish years of being a decent human being. Sometimes I don’t get the idea across without sounding bad.
As a queer person--I can't speak for every queer person, obviously--but personally, I'm all for cis het people repping the rainbow, especially when they're doing it to signify they're a safe space. Thanks for being cool ✌️
I think you explained this pretty well, and you hit on a significant point about internalised misogyny.
I'm a bi woman who, as a general rule of thumb, has the dating preference of "anyone but cis-het men" because I've found that ace, bi or trans men have often been forced to work though a lot more of that internalised misogyny than most men (as well as having more community support to do so)*.
It sounds like a big, ideological stance, but it's just a way of reducing the likelihood of dating someone who would refuse to drink a "girly" cocktail, even if they think it's delicious. It's only a rule of thumb though because as you highlight, it's possible for anyone to do the work to unearth and work through their internalised biases. I wish there were more straight dudes who wouldn't be scared of people thinking they're gay. Gay people get asked out by people of the opposite gender all the time, it shouldn't be a big deal. The societal pressure is real though.
I'm glad you shared your experience, it was nice to read. It's good to see examples of positive masculinity, because there's a lot of examples of toxic masculinity in the discourse and that can lead to the incorrect impression that masculinity or men in general are bad. In my experience, men who are aware of these issues are generally happier and healthier than their peers.
* This isn't to say that LGBTQ men are immune to toxic masculinity, no group of people is a monolith ofc
this is incredibly important. I started having asexual pride stuff visibly with me (bumper magnet, metal ttrpg dice) because I had never saw anyone with that before. I hope it's able to bring reassurance to someone.
I wear pride because it took me 19 years to realize I liked girls and there was nothing wrong with me. Because the only examples of queers I saw were terribly mocked.
This may not be the right place for this discussion ( I apologize if it is!) , but as a cis hetero male , is it supporting the LGBTQIA+ and being an ally wearing LGBTQ branded clothes ? Or am I being the problem ? I want to do what I can to support and be an ally 😅. Thanks!
I'm a cis gay male, and I wear three pro-trans shirts on rotation. It's items that say things like "trans rights are human rights," so it's suitable for an ally.
If you just straight up wear the colors, I doubt anyone would be offended but might think you are LGBT2QIA
I don't think anyone would take offense to that. However, some guys may think it's an indicator that you're gay. Which can lead to them talking more candidly to you about LGBT issues, or even hitting on you. It starts to be an issue when you present as gay and don't correct people. See https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Queerbaiting
I recently have been coming out in professional contexts in my workplace and have never been the person who wears a lot of pride merch. I've worn ally symbols often, but not as a central point.
I recently attended my first Pride event and I got a free wristband that I've been wearing every day since. I was thinking I would put it away after June, but this made me tear up. I think this should be something I sincerely incorporate into my self presentation so that others who need the safety know they can count on me for it.
I'm on the fence to whether stay visibly trans or go stealth once I transition. But if I go visible, it's because of this.
I don't wear pride stuff because when I do people treat me differently and it's heartbreaking.
In August, for the first time in my adult life, I'll be living in a solid blue city in a reasonably blue state. I'm super excited that I can have a pride bumper sticker finally. I've always wanted one, but I've never lived anywhere it was even reasonably safe to have one. I'm not a coward; I just can't afford to replace slashed tires or broken-off side mirrors.
Honestly never thought about it this way. I'm also just not big on announcing that in person. But yeah I never thought about the angle of signalling that I'm safe or that other queer folk aren't alone.
This is so important. Knowing someone has your back is critical to young people feeling safe while practicing standing up for themselves!
My wife does online exam invigilation, and has a pride flag on the wall behind her, in view of her camera. She had a learner comment that she felt better seeing it before taking her exam this morning. 😊
I've just remembered the post I saw on Reddit a few weeks ago, where some guy was bitching that he can't wear his Six colours Apple t shirt, because people assume he's wearing it for Pride.
Yes mate, wouldn't that be fucking awful...
I’ve been wearing a rainbow pin and watch band for over a year, with the same idea in mind: hoping it made others feel safe and seen. I will support them to the end and beyond.
I have a fear that my appearance overwrites any of that intention of goodwill, though. When I was struggling, members of the LGBTQ+ community were my only solace and are the only reason I’m around today. But those people never saw me physically, just spoke online. It’s sad to know my support of them and my undying thanks may never be seen past the person I am on the outside.
I don't care how you look, if I see a pride flag on you I instantly feel more comfortable in your presence. I cannot stress enough how important such a small gesture is in this violent world
I've had something I've been curious about, and I'm hoping an appropriate place to ask about.I'm a straight cis guy that grew up in a very conservative Christian house, and I've come a long way from who I was 10yrs ago. I'd consider myself an ally even though I don't have any LGBTQ friends or acquaintances (not by choice, I just don't get out much). I'd like a way to signal that I am a safe person, but am afraid of insulting people if I accidentally give the wrong vibe. I also dont want anything too overt to avoided the ire of my family. Im a big bald white guy with a beard, and I'm told I have resting angry face. I've noticed LGBTQ presenting folks that seem to get uncomfortable around me.
Is there a way I can signal that I'm a safe person without being too overt or sending the wrong message?
Yeah dude! It can help to watch queer things - maybe try Unhhhh, Ru Paul, or Queer Eye? Just to sort of...help you feel familiar with what you're seeing and hearing. Being aware of queer ideas and spaces and vocab is probably the #1 thing here.
Otherwise, if something like rainbow pins and stickers are too overt, and ditto earrings or nail polish, you could consider just sort of...looking fashionable. Hair and skin, nice shoes, well fitted clothes, color and flair, all of that (at least to me) signifies "I didn't vote for trump and I know what a French tuck is." Obviously not a failsafe metric, but it can help.
It doesn't take a lot to show you're safe, most of the time. Another good option is, if the chance comes up w/o busting into other people's spaces, put yourself out there a little or offer a complement or a supportive remark.
Okay last thing. To really be safe, and be an ally, you may need to confront members of your family who pose a threat/risk to queer people in public. Telling off your homophobic aunt is a GOOD way to show who you are.
Maybe I know too many "clean" homophobes
Maybe I've seen to many people with a lisp that are homophobes.
Maybe most of the time I see queer folk they aren't all dolled up.
Maybe I work blue collar and the only personalization to my person while on the clock are my purple boot laces.
But I don't quite like the "gay people HAVE to look good" vibes I got from reading the first half.
Second half is good though. One of the people I used to work with let their kids painted their nails. So I did the same to make fun of people who complained that he did something nice for their kids.
I'm also not the biggest fan of introducing with pronouns. Time and place, I've done it before and certain contexts it is good to do. I don't like getting limited by gender. I would rather people treat me for me. I'm a "man" so I must abuse my spouse and never wash my butt. Or I'm an enby so I must be a soft bottom.
Fashion is something I've never been good with (now thanks to google I know what a french tuck is), but I've tried to get out of my comfort zone wearing more form fitting clothes. As for making compliments, I never really know what to say to sound genuine. I make an effort to use pronouns that match how I think an individual is presenting, and using they/them when I'm not sure, but I'm nervous about invading other's space, or accidentally drawing too much attention. My daughters are getting old enough to want their nails painted, so maybe I can let them practice on me and just leave it on a finger or two when I'm out and about. I'm working on having the courage to confront my family when they're being bigots, but it's much easier said than done obviously. As my daughters get older, I'll have more courage to put my foot down, since I absolutely will not having my kids pick up my family's judgemental ways.
I think everything you're saying makes lots of sense. The only thing I want to add is that the discomfort and confusion you're dealing with around this isn't because of you. You live in an intolerant, homophobic society and you're trying to figure out how to treat people well who are marginalized and excluded by that society.
It's genuinely difficult, because you have to choose which social norms to ignore, which to try to change, and which to follow. Doing that with grace is very hard. And putting in effort is the single most important thing.
