What advice would you give to a guy who doesn’t really know what he’d want to do with a girlfriend, but still feels like a loser for not having one?
asking for a friend
asking for a friend
Our capitalist society places huge emphasis on heterosexual monogamous relationships because they're the most essential for the reproduction of labor power and as a result it's become increasingly hard to find the sorts of social support and validation that used to come from having a bunch of different kind of relationships and living in a community.
One thing that can help with that feeling can be trying to find something to do that doesn't put romance front and center - community band or choir, trail work parties, community gardens, dancing or fitness, sports teams, etc. Having a shared goal can reduce feelings of isolation.
I'd suggest finding a best girl buddy to hang out with. From your very brief question it sounds like you might not be interested in sex or romance. A lot of a relationship, outside the sex and the roses, is having a buddy you can be emotionally intimate and vulnerable with, who you can trust to give you advice on difficult issues, who you can just talk to when you're having a rough time. And, very importantly, the opposite; Someone who will give you the gift and the duty of trusting you, relying on you, leaning on you when they're in need.
All that said, if you just want to chill and do your own thing, society being jerks aside, there's no shame in it. Lots of people choose not to date or having romantic or sexual relationships. It's not appreciated as much in society, but throughout history and across cultures countless people have done it in countless ways. From religious mendicants to European women who chose not to marry to protect their rights and finances from the brutal misogynistic laws of the day, to ace/aro people who aren't interested, to scientists and philosophers who just didn't have the time, to people who just aren't feeling it. If anyone gives you guff there's lots of modern self help language you can use to explain yourself. Try throwing out "I'm focusing on myself" or "I'm dating myself" to quickly explain your position.
Oh, also - If you'r wobbly friends ask, stare them right in the eyes, deadpan "I am married to the cause", and start singing wobbly songs at them. For the memes.
Try throwing out "I'm focusing on myself"
"I'm focusing on my career" gets most people to stfu pretty fast. "I'm broke, and dates ain't cheap lol" gets the rest who can't take a hint.
Find things you enjoy doing to avoid that sense of loser-dom. Seek a balance between things you can do on your own that make you feel better about yourself and communal-type activities like @BodyBySisyphus@hexbear.net mentioned.
Solitary hobbies could be getting into reading, crafts, cooking, gardening, the gym etc. There are even hexbear comms for these! and then integrating that interest into some IRL group activity. I'm not going to guarantee you'll find a girlfriend, but at least you'll have some interests you can talk about when you meet someone.
I haven't been on "the apps" in many years, but I've heard they've gotten worse for everyone involved. So, proceed with caution.
If you're going to do The Apps, I think the bee one has a "find friends" option.
Alternately, I've been playing a lot of pokemon go to try to meet people in my area in a casual, non-dating context.
What if my loneliness and the resulting depression has gotten so bad that it overshadows my enjoyment of the things I once did as hobbies
If you feel like a loser now, getting a gf won't change that feeling, trust me. Focus on yourself, doing something that gives you a feeling of progress, purpose, and/or joy (for me it was EOOD but it could be anything for you).
If you do that, you're guaranteed to get some kind of progress on that feeling you have of being a loser which people can sense (you're wrong btw, you're beautiful) and instead start exuding a bit of confidence.
Confidence is extremely attractive, and you want to have a relationship based on your confident self anyway, not one where your self-worth is based upon your being "with someone".
Just my experience.
Long-ass post incoming
I was in this exact position a year ago (kinda there again kinda not) and if really didn’t end well. Was super excited to see someone show interest in me PLUS it would get me in a relationship like everyone else around me. I rode with the dopamine wave until I realized I didn’t actually like this person.
I partially blame myself, but I also blame the crushing weight of what was expected of me as a man in his late 20s with little to no relationship history. Like, you’re treated like there is something fundamentally wrong with you if you don’t have a partner by x age, almost to the point of being treated like a second-class citizen. Going places with partnered friends always makes you feel like a burden because you’re either dragging down a potential date or it’s just weird being the only single person in the group.
Still, being partnered with someone you don’t actually like in isn’t much better (and can at times feel worse). Sure, you go out and you’re in the company of couples, but it truly is a different kind of loneliness but loneliness all the same. God it blows so much. There were only a few times where my existence didn’t feel completely invalidated (always being told to be quiet, being shat on for not “loving enough”, getting accused of showing too much attention to other things , telling her when I’ve had “enough”, I could go on).
If I had to offer some advice, it would be to make sure you’re truly compatible or can at least reconcile your differences with a potential partner healthily, otherwise there’s a chance you could lock yourself into a situation where you’re truly unhappy. I’ll probably spend the rest of my life wondering why this had to be one of my first real relationships and why it had to happen so late. This is the shit you typically have to deal with at 16, not 25 💀 But I digress
A loser can't exist in a vacuum, it's a value judgement pushed on us by society, and society makes you feel like a loser for lots of things.
Society makes you feel like a loser for riding the bus, but that's not a good reason to buy a car.
Society makes you feel like a loser for being fat, but that's not a good reason to work out.
Society makes you feel like a loser for not drinking alcohol, but that's not a good reason to drink.
Society makes you feel like a loser for being single, but that's not a good reason to enter a relationship.
There exist valid reasons to do those things, but they come from inside, because you want something for yourself. If you do these things because you think you have to, to counter some internalized negative self-image, you will find them hollow and resent them. Control the part of you that accepts societies judgement of you, don't try to satisfy it, it doesn't work.
lots of good advice here. I agree with the sentiment that having a SO won't make you feel like less of a loser.
But here is my two cents. I think the point of being in a romantic relationship with someone is to hang out with someone that you like and who likes you (and, you know, have sex if you're into that). Really not much more to it than that.