things have settled down considerably since last week; got to see the eclipse the other day which was cool
I've been back home for two days. I stayed near the hospital for a few but there's really no comfort like home. 1 week post-op will be tomorrow. Now I get to work on my leave paperwork with this shitty 3rd party company we pay to manage work leave, hooray.
i had my two-month follow up about my brain pills (atomoxetine). they’re working, i think! most of the bad side effects are gone. my provider okayed me for a 90-day supply, and then we’ll check in again. yay for medications that work, and i’m glad i stuck it out for the first few rough weeks.
chuck (foster dog) was supposed to have his stitches out last wednesday, but they weren’t quite ready, so we go back again this wednesday. on thursday he’s coming to the office with me in the morning, then going to his potential adopter’s home for a visit. fingers crossed it goes well! he deserves a good, loving home.
cone of shame tax:
Welcome to Atomoxetine! I remember starting them and gaining the inexplicable ability to predict what time it is before checking my phone. I'm glad some of the non-stimulant medications helps. Just remember to stick with both your psychiatrist AND your therapist. You will gain new capabilities that bring you closer to neurotypical, meaning new thinking techniques like scheduling and habits may become easier. If you think your medication is starting to stop working, therapy was the solution for me.
You better believe it. It's a non-stimulant, meaning you won't get any instant focus changes like the TV might dramatize. Nah, this stuff takes multiple weeks to start to kick in, meanwhile you get all the standard medication side effects. However, it's a subtle but distinct difference when you finally have the agency to say "no, I don't want to watch youtube anymore, I'm going to sleep". And then you go to sleep. And then you get distracted for maybe 6 minutes but THEN you go to sleep. Only six minutes! I don't even remember how I felt before, but that's the thing. It feels more normal than abnormal, it's a lifestyle changer.
Psychiatrists. They know not to give me stimulants after I didn't sleep for 3 days on Adderall. Thanks science for having alternatives.
i have a lot of various methods for managing my habits and work stuff, but the brian pills make it so much easier for me to actually remember to look at the systems i’ve put in place and do them rather than spend so much time making and modifying the systems themselves. oh! and i don’t get intense hyperfixations at all anymore! i can break away from things i’m interested in which is just. wow. neat!
I JUST learned what "self care" actually is. So, I have ADHD and anxiety and probably depression, so I have had medications for all three. Notably my anxiety medication almost immediately removed my social anxiety, etc. But I still felt listless, not knowing what to do with myself, letting my apartment get unacceptably dirty. I get a new therapist and he's got a specialization in "Men's Issues", right? And so he listens to my plight and he says "you care about everyone else, why not focus on doing things for yourself?" He specifies that it's not selfish to do things for yourself, and WOW. I look at my desk, I'm unsatisfied? Cleaned, wiped away. Dirty dishes? Get em outta of the sink and onto the drying rack? Making my bed because I think it looks nicer. I'm amplifying my dissatisfaction into action. It's awesome.
And the best part? He's using Men's Issues techniques and he NEVER mentions it as self care. He knows I'm a smart guy, and (stereotypical) guys don't like these "mental health" buzzwords peppering women's magazines. He simply says: "Do things for yourself because YOU want them." THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY WITH MEDICATIONS! You can't use your newly modified brain perfectly, you need help. And the right therapist can change everything.
Draaaaaaaiiined the fuck out. Too much shit in one week. For most people, it wouldn't be a lot, but I have significant fatigue issues and it's just been too much.
Need to just have some calm and take this week to recover what little energy I can usually muster up. So a major break it is. Keep things light for a while.
Otherwise, generally fine... ish.
So far so good! I completed my training to be a poll worker for the election in November, which I’m excited about! Also going on a quick vacation this weekend, which should be fun!
I've been using Kiss My Face olive oil bar soap for showers for like...a decade, but switched to Dr. Bronners bar soap this week cause Kiss My Face was out of stock. My partner's been using Dr. Bronners liquid soap for years, but I never got on board just cause I prefer bar soap.
Long story short, I think the change will be permanent. The bar soap on its own somehow smells like a grandparent's basement, but it seems suspiciously effective.
I have nothing to back me up except my experience, but I've been using Dr. Bronner for the past 2-3 months and I'm going to switch to something else once I finish this bottle.
I liked it, but it cleans a little too well if that makes sense. I felt like my skin wasn't left with any oils and it would dry my skin out too much. I currently have to use a bunch of lotion for my skin to not be dry, and I already used to moisturize a lot before the soap.
I don't even use it on my face unless I have been really sweaty. There is a woman near me that makes charcoal bars of soap and that's what I plan on using afterwards.
Oh weird, I'll have to look out for that coming from an olive oil soap. So far so good though.
I have a migraine 😞 cut down from 3-5 cokes every day to 1. I just had today's one to hopefully that helps the migraine.
I'm learning an esoteric computer build system that is wreaking havoc on my ADHD laden brain. It's a huge undertaking with a steep learning curve. With it I'll be able to create ephemeral services for web and play. It's going to be grand, but taking 10x times more than your average bear to learn something is tiresome.
But I'll get there. I'll hopefully see the fruits of my labour soon.
Also, I have to prepare a set for a musical performance. So busy, busy, busy.
Yesterday I met someone who served on the USS Indianapolis at a craft fair in our town and got to hear stories about some of the people he sailed with and his fortunate transfer to a rescue tug when they made port at Pearl Harbor. It's always an incredible experience to hear historical accounts from primary sources, and it felt good to be a welcoming listener to someone who, by their own account, doesn't get out or socialize much anymore.
Just got back home this afternoon after a 4-day trip to what might potentially be my next home. I've had a tentative job offer on the table for the last 4 months, but some of the processing and checks just takes forever. I should know definitively in like 2 months. While I'm waiting, figured it'd make sense to start exploring housing options. Plus I wanted a little vacation.
The trip was a success; found a few places that would be within my budget that I could see myself living at. All walkable, too (though I'll still have my car). And hung out with a friend.
It was strange driving home from the airport today, passing up downtown and driving through the neighborhoods to my apartment. That I may finally leave this place that I grew up in, that I've spent most of my adult life in (I've moved away before, only to be forced to come back after a couple years...thanks Great Recession). It's time though. Of my family, I'm literally the last one still here. And I don't have other relatives here. So might as well go. Plus I'll make a helluva lot more money. Hope it all works out.
I went out with friends and realized the eclipse was happening lol. So we hung out with a random group of people for a bit and got some photos.
Other than that, I've been burning out. Somehow the past weekend helped me recover in spite of it being busy then too. So I dunno. Life's weird with it's random issues and solutions. I'm definitely tired though. As much as I like being at uni, I want a break. I'm worried I'll burn out again... But we'll see.
In other news, I'm hungry. I'm craving desserts. And I miss my dog.
PiHole and new NAS are all set up. I had a disk corruption while moving data over (thanks btrfs). Nothing super important was on there, but now I'm going to get to spend my evening sifting through photorec output. After that it'll be on to getting everything integrated with Nextcloud, and then world domination?
It’s been going. I think my nervous system is finally getting used to the absence of the one person who’s been here for half of my life. I’m trying to shift my outlook on life and trying to convince myself that I can pull this off on my own. I think there’s been a bit of progress because not every breath feels like torture and I’m no longer thinking of doing anything stupid. There’s a life ahead and I can sort of see it now. It may even be good :)
High highs, low lows so far. Monday morning an adorable kitten wandered into my mechanic shop and applied for a job. He's official pest control manager now unless I find where he came from. He doesn't know a litter box or the sound of a cat food can opening so it's probably a stray/feral. But it's one of the most affectionate cats I've come across in a long time.
Tuesday leaving work after a meeting/pets with the new employee, I made it about 2 blocks and someone ran a stop sign and hit me. I'm ok, they are apparently ok (I stayed far back to keep it civil) but my poor 30 year old truck took a pretty hard hit. It's nothing special to anyone else; but I like it, and have put a lot of blood, sweat, and time into it. Hoping it's not as bad as it looks.
Anyways, here's the cat tax: https://i.imgur.com/ntvdV4V.jpg Hope it brightens y'all's day.
Sorry to hear about your truck, I hope it'll be easy to fix. I can definitely understand the attachment you have to it.
And of course, an obligatory awwwww to your new employee. It did indeed brighten my day :)
I screwed up this weekend and didnt get the culmination of Relaxing Time that I had wanted. I'd built and set up a new computer and downloaded the games I wanted to play - and then didn't get to play any. And now it's monday, and I'm hurt over it, and I'm avoiding things.
Had a much needed solo weekend roadtrip to the Eastern Sierras in California to see the autumn colors and eclipse viewing. Bodie is a really cool ghost town. Altitude insomnia is no joke, had a dramatic difference in sleep quality when coming back to sea level.
Now back to my cycle of rat rotting and spiraling to my inevitable burnout before catching a second wind. Living is expensive and exhausting but some things make it worth it I guess. Sometimes I wish I could escape and live in a cottage in the countryside but that comes with its own challenges and drawbacks.
I got some really nice chai from the local Indian supermarket. I gave up coffee a few months ago- or Ozempic put me right off it- and I had a hole in my life where a hot drink belongs. I'm glad to have found something I like.
It's looking like it'll be a stormy autumn and winter and honestly I'm here for it, even though I know the reasons for it are ungood on a global scale. I love wind and rain to a ridiculous degree.
I think I've finally worked out all the CPAP bugs but I'm still waiting to feel better. I suspect that part of the problem is that the dose of my blood pressure medication needs to be lowered and that's making me tired, but I won't see my GP again until next month so I have to deal.
I don't know where this should get posted but like passing thought. Where do people make Internet friends in 2023 / 2024 ?
Online Gaming, really.
Actually an interesting place where I've started to get to know people online (wouldn't call them friends...yet) is on Mastodon. I joined a smaller instance kinda on a whim and it's been nice. Think there are <300 users, and only maybe 50 are active commenters? It reminds me of the early days of Twitter when it was fun to talk with complete strangers. My instance is somewhat politics-based, but we all post and talk about our personal lives and interests, too. For example, we have some trans users who talk about their struggles. Others of us talk about gaming. Jobs, travel, and tech comes up too. It's not just politics. But there is a lot of memeing and joking around. It really does feel like a little community.
Still ill, annoyingly. It's just a cough now but every time I go to choir I can't speak the day after. I know I need to rest my voice but I can't miss a rehearsal without not being allowed to perform at the concerts.
Speaking of, got an invite to potentially sing in Hiroshima as part of the 80th anniversary of the bombing in 2025. It costs a huge amount to travel there but may be a once in a lifetime opportunity. Not sure whether to go for it.
Otherwise I'm ok. Meeting at work last week went ok, they're going to try and get some clarity to me before Christmas.