I've posted it before, but this is my absolute favorite joke:
Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"
"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts,
"Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"
Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.
"President Obama," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go.
At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"Pope Francis," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?'
A klansmen, a domestic abuser and a murderer walk into a bar...
The bartender asks “what’ll it be officer?”
Video for the great delivery. It's old so there's some heteronormativity. It's basically all in the delivery
So I walk into a bar and strike up a conversation with the guy next to me. I ask him what he does for a living and he tells me he's a professor of logic.
I have no idea what the hell that is, since I know what a chemistry professor does or a math professor. So I ask him what that is.
"Let me give you an example. Do you own a doghouse?"
"Yes I do"
"That means you probably have a dog"
"I do"
"You don't seem like the dog type, which means that you must have a wife and maybe kids"
"I sure do"
"Well then you're probably heterosexual"
"I am"
Next week I go visit an old friend, and somehow we start talking about academics and whatnot, so I mentioned my meeting with the logic professor.
My friend asks, "what the hell is logic?"
So I give him an example. "Do you own a doghouse?"
"No"
::: spoiler punchline "So you're gay" :::
Q. Why will a socialist revolution succeed in America?
A. No American embassy from which to launch fascist coup.
Two sperms are swimming along together, on the job.
One sperm says to the other, "Wow, I feel like we've been swimming forever! Are we anywhere near an egg cell yet?"
The other sperm just scoffs and says "Nah, man, we haven't even made it past the uvula."
Why are women bad at carpentry?
::: spoiler spoiler We've spent our whole lives being told that six inches is a foot :::
You know, I'm in a strange kind of mood myself, yeah.
Last night I was on my way here, made a stop at a gas station. I was waiting in line, the guy in front of me was buying 2 bags of doritos, a box of donuts, a liter of sprite, and a nasty ol' rotten banana. He says, "my girlfriend just had an operation; she can only eat certain things." I say, "Yeah right, what operation was it, a bong hit transplant?"
Stalin is listening to daily reports from Party ministers. Final report mentions popular new moustached clown named "Josef."
"Liquidate," orders Stalin.
"Comrade Stalin," asks interior minister, "Perhaps this is too drastic. Maybe have clown... shave moustache?"
"Hmm, perhaps," muses Stalin, "Shave moustache. Then liquidate."