Knock, knock!

I'm almost 50, and my knee kept me awake all night long. I have a son going in for a colonoscopy, so I tell my wife I may not be able to stay awake...I got yelled at for it.

God damn I wish I could find a job my broken body could do and get the fuck out of this house. Just leave.

End rant.

Not as I envisioned, but still not too bad.

About four years ago I had come up with this kind of design for a dandelion as a representation of pain. Which, this one gives a sense of loneliness, too (at least for me. My wife is beginning to show her anger and hatered towards me again. So it's definitely how I have been feeling today).

So I was prescribed 15mg MSContin on top of my 4 7.5mg Percocets daily. Oh my God. I had SO MANY SIDE EFFECTS. It made me violently ill. The first week I was actually happy because it worked very well for the pain but the longer I took the more it wrecked me.

Once the side effects hit I was puking like every 3 days with an incredibly sensitive stomach daily so I had to be careful even drinking water. Then I realized I hadn't shit in like 6 days. On Tuesday morning I ended up projectile vomiting all over my bathroom trying to make it to the toilet at 8am. That wasn't the first time it happened.

I decided at that moment I'm done with this pill. Can't keep putting myself through this.

I had my pain apt yesterday and he is gonna switch me to oxycontin because I have no side effects from Percocets. I'm either a no side effects or I'm dying side effects person. No in-between. I've always been like this.

So I just gave up on taking my morphine. I've been putting myself through withdrawals. Yesterday night I ended up just cutting one in half because I didn't think I'd be able to sleep and needed to work today and it helped enough I was able to sleep but still felt like shit and same with this morning. But, in that time frame I should've taken 3 but I only took a half so I did good. I also completely cleared out my system because of diarrhea due to withdrawals and I've never welcomed it so much in my life lmao.

But man, what a horrible experience. The side effects were awful. I'm still in withdrawals but it's better than taking that pill everyday. I'm hypermobile so I have a lot of muscular pain and this obviously is just exasperating it but I'll make it through. I get the new med this next Wednesday. I told him though if I get side effects I'm done with extended releases because I've had issues with multiple. He agreed and told me he'd just up my Percocets to 10mg if that happens.

What an awful 3 weeks though. I can't wait until this is over. I feel like I've been shit out of luck with issues this year so far and I just need to bring back some stability into my life (pun intended cause get it? Hypermobility?)

This is my first experience with withdrawals to this extent. I've experienced a bit before like 7 months ago when my pharmacy decided to wait until like 6pm to fill my meds and I get refilled when I'm out. I know it's just a glimpse of withdrawal but I can see where it's horrible

I went to pick up a package this morning and wanted to go to the store after and after I got the package I just mindlessly went back to my apartment and realized it. So then I went to the store and for whatever reason grabbed a Gatorade and opened it immediately and just zombie walked through the store for like 5 minutes drinking it before I realized what I was doing lol. I obv paid for it but I thought it was pretty funny. I haven't had such a "what the fuck am I doing" moment in quite a while

Seen it's been rather quiet here, I figure a new off the wall message might be helpful to break the silence, 😉

Anyway, on top of the many chronic pains, and the medicinally induced GERD thanks to the chronic pains and the paranoia over opioids (Yay, to being a guinea pig...👿 ). Now I get the old man stuff. A pulled muscle where I never knew a pulled muscle could be. Hairs, tickling the side of my nose...GROWING FROM INSIDE OF MY NOSE. Long hairs on the sides of my ears..."Look, Ma! I'm a linx" 🙄 .

Then there's the brain drain...Hoo boy, the number of times I almost cut myself or have to be extremely...I mean extremely careful when using my power saws...Yeeeeeeesh!

And, to make this circus even more fun, I really really should see a doctor...And I have decided to just say screw it and go into deep debt...Me thinks the medicinally induced GERD has gone into a new phase. The first year was extreme dizziness, difficulty breathing, plastic smelling sweat, and bad chest pains. 2nd year, it got better, and the dizziness wasn't that bad. Going on the third year now, and hoo boy, the discomfort I had in my belly just below my ribs (both sides) are now pains...Holy halibuts can they hurt. Then there's some new pains in the middle of my back (New? Maybe? I don't have a bloody clue...It's hard to remember what's old and what's new...🤨 ). That's not all, but that's not the embarrassing stuff...Also, the plastic smelling sweat has come back pretty bloody strong, too. (And there goes a sharp stabbing pain just under my ribs about three inches from my right-most side...Yeesh).

Oh yeah, then there's my lungs being used as a damn kidney...WTH is that all about? If I eat too much salt, tums, alka seltzer I'll hack sodium/salt out of my lungs. Too much sugar? That'll come hork up, too...Hell, I made some shrimp with some lemon juice and was hacking up citrus flavored phlegm...Holy Mother of Zeus...

On a good note, these new things have...erm...dulled? quieted? masked? the majority of my pains. So I've been able to cook & clean more. So...That's...um...well...nice...I guess. 😶 ...

Ok! That's my message for the day...Now wasn't that so much fun? "Not really, my belly hurts", 🤣 🤣 🤣 And now I'm hungry...again...I miss spicy food...😢 and I miss being able to out eat my entire family..."Long live high metabolism"...

The dishes are piling up. My apartment is a mess. I can't stand long enough to make a decent meal. My tasks are falling way behind at work. The physical therapy exercises just stopped helping one day. Ibuprofen makes my stomach cramp, pretty sure I have a hernia, or at least it's warning me it's close. Weed doesn't dull the pain anymore. I miss my good days.

I'm already at a pain mgt clinic but I've never seen a doctor there so I decided to checkout another one. So I asked my neurologist to refer me one and I had the appointment with them today.

They're great and I would actually talk to doctors there which I like but they have a MME requirement which is much lower than the CDC recommend max which is 90MME. This pain clinic has a max of 50MME.

Not only that, but Colorado protects doctors here from lawsuits and says it's okay to go over 90 mme if needed

I currently take 40mg hydrocodone a day so there's only room with 10mg more if I switch to this clinic.

That really sucks because he told me they would rotate meds for tolerance reasons so they would switch me to oxycodone then a few months later morphine and so on so tolerance doesn't build for one medication. But that 50mme is tough because for me to be able to do basic activities and be active in life I'm going to need more than that.

It was so nice to be able to talk to a doctor who understands opiates without feeling stigmatized while asking my questions and saying my thoughts and experiences with certain pills and how one has helped my pain more and etc. compared to talking to a young NP that doesn't understand.

It's tough because it seemed like a great clinic but that limit may be a deal breaker.