“Out of respect for them, I'll attempt to cremate their remains using that large oven there. I'll also throw in some herbs to try to mask the stench.”
Player: "I accidentally misgendered my own asscheek tonight. I will *not* be taking questions."
Player : If I was to be turned into a tree, I would would to be a birch tree. The sexist of trees
Player : Foreskin is an emotional statement.
I love that this sub exists now. I have started keeping track of notable sayings from our games for no reason, and now I have a reason.
Eh, worst case scenario, you destroy one, *maybe* two sacred texts. No big deal.
Player: "Ok now that he's on the ground, I want to kick him."
DM: "Alright, roll to kick the child with advantage."
Player: "This potion tastes like NyQuil? I fucking *love* NyQuil."
This was promptly followed by the character being knocked unconscious, because they accidentally drank a sleeping potion.
"Can I process this into white crystalline powder and pack them into small sachets?"
:::spoiler Context and explanation
I was playing a utility bard who has become the sole healer in the party. The DM was kind enough to give me a few homebrewed tweaks to help me play this role better, including but not limited to some tweaks and spells (Healing Word tweaks, Beacon of Hope, and such, but most importantly for this story: Revivify) and I'm extremely thankful for that.
Now, there was this session where we got our hands into quite a hoard. I no longer remember the details, but there was a sizeable quantity of diamonds. Me, ever being the dutiful healer, asked the DM if I can have the diamonds ground into what I described as "white crystalline powder" and then have them individually packed into small sachets, ready for when I need to cast a revivify spell.
Cue the rest of the group looking at me as if I were a weirdo. Not realizing what I've just said, I went "What? It's for revivify, is there anything wrong with that?" to which someone helpfully explained the unfortunate drug-related implications. How I intended to package the diamonds: small sachets containing roughly 300GP worth of diamond powder pretty much resembled how some illegal drugs are sold off in the streets. I tried explaining my reasoning: the diamonds in the haul are too large, and cutting them into 300GP portions is too much work. It's better to have them ground into powder and then weigh individual 300GP portions. However, I might have dug an even deeper hole for myself because of that.
What made this story even funnier in hindsight is that my bard had this backstory of running away from a small-time crime group (bards in the morning, burglars in the evening--my bard playing the role of the lookout and field medic) which turned out to be a part of an even bigger crime syndicate, which our DM kindly reminded me about.
:::
"Let's not sugarcoat it: I'm a racist"
Said by a merchant who gave my character a better deal than another party member because they were both halflings
"I can't believe I didn't get to poison anyone last night."
Said by one of my two DM friends to me while we were in a pizza joint together.
"Dude! Context! We are in public."
I have a bountiful life of riches. I run two games and play in three. Just a problem finding time for them all.