Dorley was soo good I am making Partner read it lmao, when he gets insomnia he slowly works through it
ah i see! that makes sense! I once tried to play Factorio on steam deck after hundreds of hours on kb/mouse and I couldn't hack it, even with the console controls. I think I'd struggle to switch to controller with minecraft, but it does sound cozy on console :)
::: spoiler more
so I embraced it somewhat but some days you feel invisible and I guess that's more what bothers me about the whole thing. More being unseen and I've spent a lot of my life like that too.
I've felt this at times, a lot when I was younger. I don't have the right words to say about your experience, unfortunately :(
I think maybe I'm just not what people expect or don't care.
oof, this hurt to read. I think I can relate, once the mask comes down it's all over for me.
I don't think you're boring either.
Thank you, this is very kind.
I do feel sometimes I am a burden too but that's common for autistic people and not wanting to overburden people and also because society is build around NT people and we struggle to fit within those constraints too
Absolutely, this is something I'm just learning now, and starting to internalize that there are people in this world that won't hold me to these constraints that I was never able to live up to in the first place.
I also feel like these people don't try to get to know me, and it's more that side of things.
For this, do you still mean NT people? Or NDs too?
There's many factors more than likely more on their end than mine but I'm not going to assume I don't have my faults either or lack somewhat because I don't mask.
I want to believe that not masking should not preclude you or I from being able to have meaningful relationships, but I confess that I don't know for sure, I'm only just learning how to let it down (you know, like how when you're clutching something tightly, you need to re-learn how to let go, finger by finger). I am holding out hope that there will be people other than Partner who will like the real me.
I love watching films but not really a tv person
I enjoy the occasional film but I am honestly really burned out on American-style media, so I just watch One Piece and play games lol.
But I don't mask and don't mimic, what people get is my true self if that makes sense even if I can seem eccentric because of it but I am true to myself and very straight forward and clear, like what you see is what you get with me which I can see some people maybe don't understand because with NT people tend to not say what they mean so I get people misreading me too.
Yes, honestly this expectation that everyone is faking it can be harmful too; people expect there to be some kind of "angle" when we are just being honest. Sometimes I have to double my word count just to remove the insinuation of sarcasm or to make sure it is known that I am feeling a strong emotion. I am very obsessive about the way that I write or talk when I say controversial things. You've seen some of my edits. I try to read everything I write from multiple angles, different ways of interpreting etc, and try to guard against misunderstandings. I wish (or maybe I don't wish) you could see how many times I've rephrased each sentence for every post I make on this site, but once I get to know people I can edit less as they understand me.
I struggle to at times, I have my wife but I have been put in situations here where people will basically not interact with me at all, I'll sit for hours in silence while conversations happen around me so I become invisible a lot, I have that vampire thing where people forget I'm there or can't see me I dunno what it is.
I've been through that, when I was younger. I'd rather not be around people than be in a situation like that. It Feels Awful To Be Invisible. I get this at work things all the time, I've stopped really going. I sneak away early before it gets too awkward but it's needed for my job at times ...
I don't know why they do this. I am at the receiving end of so much of it. If I fight for it, I can include myself, but I don't want to force people to include me. I think they do it to me because they don't like me. Maybe they can smell the autism, or they know I'm trans (and hate that), idk.
I blend into the background for a lot of people and like it does bother me from time to time and it's exhausting sitting watching people interact for hours with little to nothing in return.
oh boy, this is my actual personal hell. holy fuck, ow it hurt to read that. yes 100%, just feeling Trapped. For. Hours. Those kind of hours feel like decades to me.
I just tend to go internal in those situations where I can occupy myself with the spiders, but I dunno how to fix that..
I don't know what else to do. I try to avoid people that make me feel like that. If I have to be there, I'm usually busying myself with eating or whatever if it's a social meal. Once the meal is done, I can't take it. I have to excuse myself. If I hear work people talk about how they met Owen Wilson one more time I will scream and get fired.
I'm aware that I can be alienated being amongst a group of people who again don't really want to get to know me or interact with me on any basic level past a hello when we meet.
Yeah, I try not to think about it too much too.
I'm not really sure how to summarize all this, but I really appreciate you sharing. I know that it's kind of asynchronous, but I've really enjoyed spending the afternoon together :) and would love to talk more. :::
::: spoiler yesssss long pooooosttttt looking for grooouuup
I know a lot stems from being alienated because of stuff at home growing up with abuse and other things, being autistic and not really being able to form any friendships in school and then as I moved from Primary to Secondary I then got bullied too on top so it kind of left me with nobody to help or talk to and such, this was pre-internet days so it's not like now where you can just go online I spent most of my childhood trying to escape the reality and sometimes hiding under the bed and shutting myself away from my family.
I had a million thoughts about this, but they all collided, and they're just fragments, and they're gone now. But I can relate to some of it, and I'm sorry that you had to go through that.
As far as friends I've never had a friend group so it's easy, I've had a few relationships and two of those were abusive too so it also had a contributing factor in me being able to trust people, especially when I've been on the receiving end for a lot of my life before I transitioned.
god so much compassion for you right now (I hope that's not too corny to say). I went through some extremely dysfunctional relationships, I know NDs are horrifyingly more likely to go through this kind of thing.
She is based, we're best friends and like we think very similarly and the best thing to ever happen to me. She's the only person to truly get me as a person.
literally that's so awesome
is one-on-one conversation required?
wow! i'm actually really happy that you took those questions seriously, I was expecting them to be kinda glossed over since most people don't think about this stuff like I do - or, like we do.
I think I separate the friendship/acquaintances to how deeply they know you so to speak (this is what makes sense in my head) like I have had people who chat to me about random shit but nothing really deeper.
Yes!!! This makes sense!!! I have been struggling with this ALL WEEK!!! What do I want, what do I need? I want people to deeply know me!!! That's the answer! Thank you!!
I used to have more walls while dealing with my trauma which probably had some effect of closing me off but I've had about 25 years of abuse from various parties, like physical, mental and verbal so it was hard to learn to drop some of those walls to be able to be a human. (but I am not afraid to show my bare ass like what you see here)
Yeah, that must have been rough. For what it's worth, I'm really grateful for your honesty in these things, and I'm glad that you responded like you did.
I still have some trust issues and I definitely have ptsd and some other triggers that can happen years later because of what I've been put through.
I think you mention this later, but this feeling you mention of "at this stage I can't be 'fixed' I just carry it with me" I understand a little. Like, no matter how much therapy or whatever I go through, I'm still going to have trouble with some things. I'm going to be nicer to myself about it though.
Yeah it's become a standard with online spaces I guess lol I have had people talk about themselves mainly and that's been the whole "relationship" so that can be wild too.
Yeah, I do like listening, but... I think you mention this elsewhere, but I too like the exchanges to be even. I'm slightly fixated on fairness in relationships, which can be helpful and detrimental at times.
I don't tend to let these kinds of things bother me though it's like nomads drifting and you may have a chat or be the sympathetic ear from time to time but it can feel hollow sometimes when it's all the other person and when they lose interest they drop you.
Totally, it is the natural way of things sometimes to have people drift away, but I'm not sure how I'd take to having to re-explain how I am to new people every time someone drifts away. Maybe my self-interpretations would get better and the explanations shorter, but I think I would get tired of saying the same things to a rotating cast of faces eventually. So for years and years I've lurked, or only had one friend, etc.
a lot of this I chalk up to NT brainworm bs and try to ignore that but like I've said above I'm also aware of it too, I don't mind people talking about themselves at all, so don't let that doubt worry you..
I appreciate it, I too have the NT expectations brainworms. It helps me when people give me positive signals like you just did, thank you.
I only get bothered if it feels one way and more over time like I think a lot of it is you want the exchange of information to be balanced and not skewed in one direction, I know I do but rarely get that.
Yes, here's what I was referring to earlier. 100% agree.
they couldn't tell you my favourite colour or anything about me at all I was so shut off from them.
damn, honestly I feel that, especially now. I used to be very effusive, but cut them out once i started realizing all the religious bs was hurting me, and that i needed to transition.
And well most people that I've interacted with here would be on a similar level of understanding me, nobody really knows me or tries to get to know me.
I hope that changes for you. I still appreciate you sharing.
I am pretty stand offish and I can be cold if I'm unsure about people, again I do have trust issues especially around touch and getting too close to me physically.. I need to trust someone to even be comfortable to have a hug.
Totally valid, for me it still happens even if I trust someone (or, well ... do I really trust anyone except Partner?), even if I've known someone a Very Long Time, like my parents, I am still very hesitant and I disassociate a bit if they want to hug me. Especially if they have a discernible smell. Maybe it's just them though haha, I have no problem hugging Partner, I do it a lot. I unironically like headpets too...
it's just "I've seen a lot of shit" and been on the end of a lot of shit too so some of that will always remain.
Yeah, this was the spot from above. I parse and thing about things out of order sometimes. tbh, I think this is a very reasonable perspective, and I'm going to borrow it for myself.
I'm long past that though just so you and whoever else reads this knows.. I'm not depressed I'm just very aware that I've been damaged to my core.
Yeah, I actually wasn't worried at all - maybe it's because I feel similarly, even though the magnitude is a bit smaller for me.
I get this but realistically you do worry too much.. I do mull on things sometimes, like "was I too blunt" or "I hope I don't offend them" stuff like that, I do hope that people understand that I do care to some degree but I also don't worry too much about people too..
I think this is why I like you, in part. I like that you can see things from this honestly extremely healthy (imo) perspective, that you too are predisposed to worry, but aren't afraid to be your authentic self, and you don't let the worries consume you. I think the phrase I'm looking for is "mad respect." I think I'm getting better, once I start to trust people more it gets easier, generally. But ... sometimes after a social thing, for days I will ask Partner if I said something rude, etc. I still need that reassurance, he's good at giving it. I agree, I do worry too much. "Wanting to be liked" is at the core of all social interaction for me, and Cool Therapist tells me that I can't just kill these protective parts, but only talk to them and listen to them and help them grow.
I would hope people can tell the difference with me that they'd be able to talk to me if I upset them but I know some people can misread things from me so I do hope that at least in some part they'll know everything is coming from the void the same way, like I'm not trying to be a dick to you, even if I seem blunt or direct.
Yes, I want this perspective for myself too!! This seems so reasonable to me. I would hope people would be direct if I upset them, I worry so so much, my Partner is like never upset, I used to ask him 5 times a day if he was mad at me (I don't do this with other people thankfully), luckily I've gotten better at this over time. It's been a struggle. I struggle to tell people that aren't him that I'm upset, that's going to be a difficult bridge for me to cross. Usually I just kinda stifle it, had a lot of people react poorly, lots of "psychologizing"... I will try.
I think some of it can be when you have time to think about some of the emptiness you feel, the loneliness can creep up on you and into your thoughts.
totally.
I think one person can't always hold up everything and you do need more outlets too
yeah, this 100%. He seems to understand completely lol and yet I still compulsively reassure him. I must be hilarious to watch in action ... haha. I have a secret hope that people will find me cute, instead of annoying, and never accuse me of gaslighting or being a psychopath again.
So I get the "you need to socialise more" kind of rhetoric but not really.. for me personally, and It always sounds more severe too when you talk about the loneliness side of it.
I think what I'm taking from this is that talking about it makes it sound worse than it is - it's not such an acute thing for you?
I've always had that emptiness because well I didn't have any outlets and mostly my self (I joke about my goblin and then the swarm of spiders who mediate in my head, but that's my self and then the internal logic and analysis (from the spiders)
Yeah, that's fair. That's an interesting metaphor that I've not encountered before, I'm curious as to why you describe them as goblin and spiders?
shoot, hit the text limit. more coming.
:::
oh, didn't know that!! and yes, i am using a flashcart, haha. i'll look into it thanks!
I think this is part of what happens for me, its confirmation that they see me as a woman, which simultaneously makes me happy and unhappy, because im a woman but also not; im a woman but im also woman adjacent, and it feels like that confirmation is affirming my woman-ness while also negating/minimizing/ignoring/suppressing my adjacent-to-womanness.
well put! I follow that. Makes sense.
To put it another way, i do woman, and i do woman adjacent, and i do agender/wtf-is-gender-go-away. And theres no way to wrap all of those up in a single pronoun, in a single gendered verb conjugation, in a single word inflection. Inherrently one will be elevated above the others, or the others will be negated.
100%!! I feel you about "trying to wrap it up into a single pronoun or word inflection"
Hmmm i have thinking and reflecting to do I think...
same, I feel like I'm shifting every day that I think about this now, enby feels right to me right now, but I've thought about pronouns, I think I'll keep she/her for the time being. To cis people, it'll always be she/her. To people that get it? I'm not sure.
I mean, i cant tell you what you were feeling, but theres a difference between passing privilidge and respect+acceptance of who you are/what you perform.
Haha, sorry, those were meant to be rhetorical. But yeah, I like this distinction too. Good point.
Yeah, it's kind of a personal thing, isn't it? I can appreciate the composite output, and sometimes Pixel Perfect is too clean (esp. for text), but when I play an actual console I like it to be pixel perfect. When I actually do emulate, I try to muddy it up a bit with CRT/NTSC filters (although this depends heavily on the game). Maybe I just like bending the hardware against its will, lol.
I like seeing everything in new and different lights, so if it were easier with my current setup to switch between composite and SCART, I would, but my retrotink is out of ports lol
I only use S-Video for the n64 because I don't have HDMI modded, and it is kind of a mess visually vs. emulator for obvious reasons (the famous smear filter, and I don't have the Gameshark or whatever to disable it)
damn, what do you like about the Wii U edition? I have never tried Minecraft on console, mostly because I like mods.
lol, it starts to taste weird, that's when it's time to change it ... kinda gross when i think about it
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