be cool if humans had the ability to hibernate since that what I want to do right now, hibernate until spring
I like that my hair as a mind of it's own. It's like each day is a new surprise. what will tomorrow be? I don't know!
me a few days ago: spicy food starting to make me feel sick, maybe I should stop
me today: fuck that, i'm eating some right now
also I wish my wisdom teeth would stop biting my cheek. it's been happening a lot more ever since one of them got infected like a month or two ago. but before that, they weren't doing that
social anxiety sounds right, and yea, just that risk of negative interaction. and I think I see what you mean with more negative interactions having less of an effect? like for example, if someone yelled at me or got mad at me, just for saying hi. I'm slowly coming to terms, that it's really nothing I did, but more so it's that person whose having an issue or something. where said person is just taking it out on me, and it's not my fault or nothing I really did.
it still hurts but not so much. along with slowly adopting the attitude of like, if someone gonna yell at me or get mad at me for saying hi, I don't want that person in my life? meanwhile there are plenty of other people who aren't gonna do that. and why would I even want to be friends with someone who gonna get mad over something small like that? and yea internet forums can be good for that
okay, I think it was just a false alarm of that wisdom tooth getting infected again, thankfully. I was getting worried again but maybe it was just from like the food I was eating or something. unless if this is also a false alarm of a false alarm
also something else but I really wish I could get rid of this feeling or part of me that's like? how do I word this. I would like to make new friends, but I can't really do that. not because I don't want to? but because it feels more like. I'm not allowed to? Like it's illegal? like ill make someone really mad by saying hi to them? Like I just can't go up and say hi to someone, instead there has to be a "reason" or justification why. but it also can't be because I just find someone cool and want to be their friend. it has to be more like, happenstance? like it just happens that im talking to someone because an opportunity happen. if there not an opportunity or happenstance, that person will be extremely angry at me. but if there also not an opportunity or happenstance, then I won't ever talk to that person ever.
I dunno, it's ridiculous and it would be nice to rid that part of myself since like. There nothing wrong with saying hi to someone that you want to be friends with. also rereading that, that also feels a little manipulative? in which it's not intentional? I don't mean to like, do that. it just more so like trying to avoid someone from immediately being angry at me just for like saying hi. and maybe that a part of the problem, assuming someone gonna be immediately mad at me just for saying hi for no reason. I'm not really sure where that stems from? anxiety? doesn't feel like anxiety entirely.
it sort of also reminds me of like. when I go somewhere where there's people, I feel more comfortable when I am ignored by everyone and not seen like I'm not even there. I don't even want someone to say hi to me, I want people to ignore me. I just want to be invisible. like I remember doing this in college. yet at the same time there a contradiction. like that was really fucking lonely and isolating because I wanted to be seen, I wanted someone to say hi. I wanted someone to talk to me. I didn't want to feel ignored. but if someone did say hi to me, I would kind of just internally panic because someone spotted me and it was kind of a "oh fuck I been seen! what do I do, what do I do!"
anyways It sort of just feels like it stems from my home environment maybe, where it was pretty cold like that in the past? I remember at times, when I got home from school in the past, my family just ignored me like I wasn't even there. of course I also imagine anxiety playing a role to. So I dunno. I do feel like I am getting a little better about these things but there still room for improvement.
either way life is fun.
@SunsetFruitbat
@hexbear.net