@CaptainPike
@beehaw.orgI'm a major Star Trek fan so for me it's been that aliens would show up and we'd get our shit together.
Oh I know. That's one of the reasons why it's so depressing to bother to keep going. If those who are supposed to help and protect decide not to then whats the point?
Honestly I don't care if I'm a good or a bad person anymore. I used to. I used to be good all the time for everyone but it got me nowhere. I know I'm a shitty person now but I don't really care. No one cared about me before. Why would it matter if they suddenly cared now when they got their feelings hurt.
As for something left in the tank, nope. Tanks out of fuel. Car is running on either fumes or momentum and I won't know until this downhill slope tapers off.
The world wouldn't notice if I died. No, the world isn't better with me here. Especially when I'm not a good person.
I have never felt joy or happiness enough to have a basis to even say how to 'enjoy' something. Don't think I ever actually have enjoyed something. I enjoy being distracted from my life, but I couldn't care less what it is that I'm doing or watching. Only as long as it works.
As for being resilient, I take no pride in finding out that my bones won't break. I don't want to be the Atlas of holding up my own wasteland of a world. I don't want to be strong. I don't want to have to find out that I'm strong. Why can't I just be? Why does everything have to be a test? What the fuck is the point of passing every test when it's only the same thing forever? Unrelenting attempts to snap me in half?
Resilient means that you can survive things far more than is the norm. Surviving isn't living though. I've tried to end my own life and I'm too resilient for even myself. This is what I mean by praying for the strength to kill myself.
I've been trying. For years. There isn't any left. Sometimes I think I'm only alive because I'm hoping that Star Trek might come true spontaneously. That I'll wake up one day in a world that has problems, but where the problems are solved collectively. That I'm not discarded and left to suffer and rot until I die.